


Whirlwind inside my Head

by FoolishAngel1987



Series: Unwell and on Fire [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Absent Parents, Abusive Parents, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25110457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987
Summary: Asking for help was just the beginning. Now Evan Buckley is learning just how hard the healing process is going to be and how he has to face both present and past pain if he hopes to have a shot at being happy**Sequel to 2 a.m. Thoughts **
Series: Unwell and on Fire [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783552
Comments: 60
Kudos: 246





	1. Lost boy of the 118

**Author's Note:**

> If you need Help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-8255

“Uhh guys? Where's Buck?”

It had been Hen who first noticed that the youngest member of their team was no longer there. She had stopped yelling at Chim when it hit her that Buck's voice was no longer in the air and looked around the loft area, dread filling her heart and hoping that he had just moved over to the couch and was waiting for them to focus on him again. But he wasn't there. He wasn't upstairs at all and when Hen finally gave voice to it, everyone else stopped and looked around just like she had. At some point, Buck had slipped away without being noticed and who knew how long ago that was. Hen's heart gave a painful thud before it quickened again, this time with panic. While they had all been too busy shouting at each other when they should have been focusing on Buck, he had taken the window of opportunity and slipped away without them being able to stop him. Now he was gone; once again feeling like he was alone and in that frame of mind, who knew what he would do next.

There weren't many times when Hen felt like a complete failure, but this was definitely going to be one of them. How had she failed so spectacularly as a friend? It was bad enough that she had treated Buck like an outsider of the group since his return. But to not noticed that he was this close to the edge? She thought back to the phone call last week. She should have known then that something was wrong. Buck never tripped over his words and he certainly never had to try so hard to have a conversation. That should have been a red flag but instead of questioning it, she had allowed her frustration with him to take over and make her feel better about ending the conversation. That was the night he had stood on the edge of a bridge contemplating jumping. He had reached out to her and she had hung up on him. She didn't even want to think about how many other people had done the same to him that night. Maybe he had been trying to reach out this whole time and they just had looked the other way. And last week he had tried one more time and they had failed. Just like they failed now when they turned their focus on each others mistakes instead of being there for Buck.

He had walked away and it terrified Hen to think about what was going through his mind right now. Just how fragile had they made him? Or had they finally succeeded in breaking him?

“Ok, don't panic.” Bobby said, holding up his hands: his face contorted in a frown as he looked around at them trying not to show the panic that was clearly in his eyes. “We'll figure this out. We just have to find him.”

“He's not in the bunks and his car isn't in the parking lot.” Chim announced, racing back up the stairs to join them, any lingering traces of hope fading away when he came to a stop in front of them , his breath coming fast. “Should we call him?”

“I doubt he would pick up.” Eddie muttered, sounding more anxious than annoyed but it was hard to tell when his face gave away nothing. Still, he pulled his phone out right away. “If he's driving then he definitely won't answer.”

“We have to try. Call anyway.” Bobby ordered and Eddie nodded and stepped aside for privacy to make the call. Bobby tried to appear calm, but they were all so close that they knew he was likely fighting to stay put together on the inside even as he maintained his composure on the outside. “It will be ok.”

“Yes it will.” Hen replied, but it sounded more like she was trying to convince herself then the others. Because the truth was that she didn't know if it was going to be ok. They had all allowed Buck to drift so far away from them, that they really didn't know what his next move was going to be. “It has to be. This is Buck we're talking about.”

“He's not answering.” Eddie told them quietly, walking back over with his phone still in his hand and a new tension set in his face. “I tried a text and it went through but there wasn't even an attempt at a response.”

“So he read the message and didn't respond. That at least means he is....” Chim started to say and then trailed off, allowing the sentence to hang in the air like a dark cloud. They all knew what he had been about to say that Buck was still alive, for now. But that could very easily change and they had to find him before he tried anything. Chim headed back to the stairs. “I'll call Maddie, maybe he contacted her.”

“Eddie you have a key to Buck's apartment right?” Bobby asked and Eddie nodded. “Good, I want you to head over there and see if he went home. We probably won't get any emergency calls for a few more hours, so you might as well go there now and we will stay behind and keep trying.”

Eddie nodded and took off for the stairs without saying anything in response. Bobby nodded like he was having a conversation with himself in his own head and Hen just watched as he started pacing across the floor while Chim stood off to the side with his phone pressed to his ear and a slight wince on his face. Hen imagined Maddie was probably yelling at this point and she couldn't blame her. Her brother was in a fragile state of mind and had disappeared from their watch because they had all been too focused on each other to notice him slipping away. She had every right to be mad. Hen just hoped she got to stay mad rather than the other alternative of having to face the possibility of her brother being dead because they were all idiots. Hen sat down at the table and pulled out her phone with a sigh.

_Where are you Buck?_

{**}{**}

Chim dropped down in an empty seat next to Hen and laid his head on the table top. He could still hear Maddie's frantic voice yelling at him in frustration and anger when he told her Buck had just disappeared and he wasn't answering any of their phone calls. But having to tell her the context in why he had slipped away and what had proceeded it was even worse. She hadn't believed him when he told her Buck's secret. In fact, she thought it had been a joke like they all had assumed when Buck said the words and that had been the beginning of Maddie's yelling spree. She was furious that he had woken her up for some stupid prank that was not even close to being funny; joking that her brother had told them all that he had almost committed suicide and was now missing. What kind of sick shit is that? Chim wished it had been a joke, that would have been easier to deal with than this. He had had to repeat it a few times before it seemed to finally settle in and now Maddie was in panic yelling mode, her blood pressure probably going off the walls. As much as Chim had wanted to keep this away from her for the sake of the baby, he knew that if he didn't tell her and something did happen, then she would certainly never forgive him for keeping her in the dark. After getting him to go over every single detail from the moment Buck had arrived to when he had been first noticed missing, she had hung up on him. She was likely now in a frenzy of trying to get in touch with Buck just like the rest of them were. He just hoped she had better luck then they did.

_Come on Buck, just answer the damn phone._

{**}{**}

  
“Damn it.” Eddie snapped out loud to the empty apartment as he stood in the middle of Buck's dinning room, turning this way and that way hoping that Buck would just suddenly appear in front of him with his trademark grin and say that everything was ok. Or be there looking like he was at his lowest point, because that would have meant he was at least alive and they knew where he was. But he wasn't there. The apartment was empty and silent and Eddie could almost hear his heart pounding in his ears the longer he stood there.

Eddie had gotten there 20 minutes ago, practically breaking every rule of the road trying to arrive at Buck's apartment as fast as he could in the hopes of putting his mind at ease. But the moment he pulled into the parking lot, he just knew that it wasn't going to be ok. Buck's jeep wasn't in it's usual spot and the lot was too big for him to drive around checking to see if he had parked any where else. So Eddie had just parked his truck and rushed into the building, almost in a blur of movement. He had ignored the elevator, not wanting to wait and had just run up the stairs, his nerves too jittery for him to stay still for even a few seconds. He had reached Buck's door, the spare key already in his hand and sent up a silent plea that Buck was there and had just simply turned his phone off and gone to sleep. But he wasn't there. The lights were off and as Eddie went around turning every one on and checking every possible place that Buck could be as he called out his name, he just knew it was fruitless. If Buck was home, he would have appeared the moment Eddie threw himself into the apartment and was running around calling for him. The apartment was open and large but there weren't many places Buck could hide if he wanted to. But Eddie had held out hope as he check the bathroom and living room and then the loft and upstairs bathroom. Nothing. Buck wasn't here. Eddie waited another 20 minutes, hoping that maybe if he was just patient enough, then Buck would return and they could talk things out. But there was nothing but silence. Eddie pulled out and dialed a number and wait for the voice to answer.

“Bobby? He's not here...”

{**}{**}

“Ok, what do we do now?” Hen asked an hour later when they had all come back together in the loft and were siting around the table all of them wearing various looks of worry and frustration. Eddie had gotten back just a few minutes ago and had barely said a word when he walked up the stairs, but Hen knew from Bobby that Buck hadn't been at the apartment and hadn't come home even when Eddie had waited around. Buck still wasn't answering any calls or texts and they were at a loss for what to do. They couldn't just go around looking for him, not when they were all still on shift. But by the time it was over, it may be too late. Hen looked towards Bobby at the head of the table. “Bobby, what are we suppose to do?”

“I don't know.” He admitted, running a hand down his face with a sigh. “I called Athena but she says we can't report him missing since it's only been a few hours...”

“He just told us he almost tried to kill himself last week. Can't they just like send people out to look for him?” She asked desperately, feeling a rush of panic go through her and she fought like hell to push it away. It wouldn't do her any good to give in to it now. “I mean, he might be a danger to himself. Can't they do a welfare check on him?”

“That would work but only if he was at home or someplace else that they knew he was at. But we don't know where he is and they can't waste resources when they have nothing to go on.” Eddie muttered in response, crossing his arms tightly around him. He looked angry and ready to lash out but Hen knew it was just a mask for the worry that he was feeling. Eddie was more comfortable being angry then he was with being scared and vulnerable. “He wasn't kidnapped, he wasn't threatened to leave. He walked out on his own free will. The police won't prioritize it for that reason alone.”

“Maybe Athena can get them to track his phone somehow.” Maddie's voice suddenly joined the conversation and their eyes shot over to the top of the stairs where she had appeared almost without noise. Chim was the first to jump to his feet and hug her tightly and when they pulled away, there was the tiniest of smiles on the older Buckley's face. She took Chim's hand and came over to the table and took the first seat offered to her. “He turned off that Find my phone feature in his settings but maybe Athena can track his location another way.”

“As long as his phone is still on.” Hen said, biting a nail in thought. “If he turned it off they can trace it to the last place he used it at. And who knows if he will be still be in the area.”

“Damn I didn't even think of that.” Maddie frown, sitting back in her seat as Chim took her hand again. She looked around at them. “Josh is on duty but he says no calls came for anyone matching Buck's description.” 

“So maybe he is ok.” Chim said lightly, raising his eyebrows. “Maybe he just needed some alone time.”

“But not answering any of our calls and texts when he knows we are freaking out?” Eddie said with narrowed eyes. “That is just cruel.”

“Oh and you haven't been the same way towards him since he came back....” Maddie started to say but was cut off by her phone ringing and everyone's eyes automatically shot over to the device as she pulled it out and stood up. “I'll be right back.”

“Do you think it's Buck?” Hen whispered to Chim, who sat beside her and watched Maddie worriedly. She knew what he was thinking, that this call could go two ways. It was either Buck calling to say that he was ok and wanted to be left alone. Or it was the hospital calling to say...Hen shook the possibility away. “I bet it is him.”

“I hope so.” Chim said back, his eyes never leaving Maddie as she started walking back and forth across the loft area, looking relieved and then confused and then something else that none of them could decipher. “I just want him to be ok...”

“And I want to yell at him.” Eddie admitted, grimacing as they all shot him a look and he practically cowered in his seat. “But after I get to hug him and tell him I'm sorry.”

“Maybe you should have lead with that.” Hen rolled her eyes and deciding not to push on the subject too much. When it came to Eddie and Buck, there was a lot between them that just made everything more complicated then it had to be. But it wasn't her business to force them to face it head on. That had to be on them. But right now, that had to wait until they knew for sure that Buck was going to be ok. “I think we all need to try something different the next time we see him. Clearly how we were treating him before was hurting him, We can't do that again...”

“Well I for one thing...” Bobby started to say but his voice trailed off when Maddie came back over looking stunned and wounded. That old feeling of dread came back over the group and for a second, they all shared the same look that said they wanted to run far away before any bad news could touch them. “Was that Buck? Is he....”

“He's ok. He's fine.” She told them and a collected sigh of relief went through the group all at once and they sank into their seats, all the energy draining out of them that had been there for the past few hours. Maddie tugged on her hair as she sat down again, her forehead wrinkled. “That was the hospital. They were calling to say that Buck had been admitted...”

“But you just said he was ok.” Eddie snapped, sitting up straight. “Why is he being admitted if he is ok? And how come dispatch never called for us?”

“Because he is fine. He's not physically injured or hurt in any way. He checked himself in.” Maddie explained, tossing her phone on the table and rubbed her hands over her eyes before dropping them down to her lap, suddenly looking upset. “He admitted himself for a voluntary 72 hour psychiatric hold. He's there at the hospital now being evaluated and once he gets some sleep, they'll start treating him.”

“That's good news, right?” Hen asked, looking at Maddie in concern. Her expression hadn't changed, she still looked upset and Hen had a feeling it wasn't just because Buck was in the hospital. It was clearly something else. “Maddie, what is it? What else did they tell you?”

“I asked when visiting hours start and they said noon, but it wouldn't matter in this case because Buck doesn't want to see anyone. He's refusing all visitors.”

{**}{**}

Buck stared across the room from the bed he had been given at the blank wall and let his mind wander. It was the first time he had been left alone since he had walked up to the reception desk and even now with no one in the room with him, he wasn't completely alone. The psychiatric ward didn't have doors on the bedrooms so the nurses were able to get in and out if they needed to and there was a nurse on call out in the main living area of the ward. So there was always going to be someone around. But right not the main thing he was suppose to be focusing on was getting some rest before the work started. The woman who had checked him in had told him that as he finished signing the paperwork. He was lucky that he still kept a gym bag with a change of clothes and toiletries in his car and the nurse had to look through it to make sure he didn't have anything that he could hurt himself with, and wounded up confiscating the shoe laces in his spare sneakers and a belt he had tossed in there months ago. After he had been given his bag back, he was shown his room with no door and left alone to settle in. He had quickly changed into t shirt and sweatpants and afterwards just lay there in bed trying to will himself to sleep. The nurse had been allowed to give him a sleeping aid when he had mentioned the trouble sleeping and he gladly accepted it and was now just waiting for it to take effect. It felt weird to be going to sleep without a door but he lived in a loft apartment, so he imagined he would get use to it real quick. He just wanted the sleep to come so he didn't have to think anymore.

His thoughts drifted to his sister and the 118. He had to give up his cell phone for the few days he was here but the nurse had agreed to call his sister and let her know that he was ok and that he didn't want visitors. It was harsh, he knew that. He knew they had all probably been freaking out once they knew he was gone and wasn't answering their calls or texts and he didn't want to just ghost them for 3 days. So he had asked if the nurse could call Maddie and tell her what was going on and that he was ok but he didn't want to see them. He almost cringed inwardly when the words went through his head, knowing it sounded terrible and probably bratty to them. But he didn't want to face any of them right now. Maybe not ever. He felt too raw at the moment and the slightest bit of contact would due him in and he wasn't prepared for that right now. Maybe he would be later on, but not right now.  
  
As he felt himself starting to drift off, Buck tried to picture what was going to be coming for him here in the hospital but the darkness washed over him and soon he was just floating, unaware of anything around him.


	2. All these fractured parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for : medical talk, mental health issues, and descriptions of being on a psych ward

_“You wrote down that you were having issues with insomnia as well as suffering from migraines and restless leg syndrome. Is that correct?”_

_“Yes that's correct...”_

Buck stared down at the carpet as he replayed his conversation with the doctor earlier that morning and he felt his shoulders tense at the memory of listing off all his physical problems that were currently affecting his mental health. He sounded so broken, so many fractured parts that he was surprised he was still put together. How had he managed to walk around for so long without anyone noticing that he was falling apart? Well apparently he was very good at putting on a mask and now the problem was going to be taking off that mask so that he could face everything that was bothering him. According to the doctor, taking care of the physical issues was only part of the problem; it would only be removing an obstacle to him getting better. It wouldn't solve all his problems. But it would at least give him one less thing to stress over while he did the real work; sorting through the mess that was inside his head. Buck would be lying if he said he didn't have doubts about the success of this psychiatric hold because he certainly had many. He just couldn't fathom how a few days in the hospital was going to put him in a better mindset then when he had come in with. But he was willing to at least try. What else did he have to lose?

If he was being honest, being here on the psych floor wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be. All the stories and movies he had been told about psychiatric wards had proven to be largely false. It wasn't a lock down kind of environment like a prison or a jail. There weren't patients lashing out in the corner and talking to themselves. They weren't locked in their rooms and forced through violent therapies to set their minds straight. It was so radically different from what he had been told that Buck was still kind of waiting for someone to tell him it was all a joke. He woke up and had breakfast with the other patients, they were given medication and supervised to make sure everyone took what they were suppose to. They were allowed downtime to watch tv or read or play games. Then there would be some kind of group therapy and activity and then after lunch there would be individual therapy and then more activities and visiting hours. There would be one more group therapy session and then it was time for dinner. After that they had the rest of the night to do what they wanted. There was always a nurse on call at the desk in the lounge area but other than that, it was a calm and structured environment and even at the end of the first day, Buck could feel parts of him starting to relax. He was told most days were going to be like this and now that he knew what to expect, he felt a little less anxious about his stay here.

He didn't open up as much as he thought he would. He figured that since he had voluntarily checked himself in that somehow that meant he would be raring to go with opening up and spilling his feelings all over the place. But it had been the opposite. It felt like constantly moving boulders out of the way every time he was asked to respond to a question. There was a vice around his heart every time he tried to talk about what lead to his downward spiral and he found himself just allowing his sentences to trail off until someone else picked up the tail end and finish the conversation. He hated this. He was already frustrated with himself. He wanted to talk so he could get this crap out of his system. He was tired of feeling like this. He didn't want to keep it all inside of him any more. But whenever he attempted to give voice to those thoughts, he only found silence.

How was he going to get better if he couldn't even talk about it?

The doctors didn't seem concerned. More than one had to remind him that this was just his first day and he couldn't expect to just jump from his lowest point to a higher point and be done with it. He needed to take all the steps and open up when he was ready, and if he wasn't ready to talk in full about his problems at the end of this stay, then that was ok. He would do it when he was ready and no one could force him before he was at that point. The main thing they wanted to accomplish was getting him to a place where he wasn't feeling suicidal and could leave the hospital without worry that he would be consumed by his own mind again. Buck supposed that would have to do. He certainly didn't want to be back in that dark place again and if he was even just slightly better at the end then he was when he first walked in, well that would be ok. And how he went from there was not something he was sure about. But he knew he didn't want it to end in his death.

He stared up at the ceiling of his room and let his thoughts wander. He wanted to leave, if he was being completely honest. He had checked himself in of his own free will and he could check back out just as easily. But what would happen if he did that? The fact that he didn't know scared him. He couldn't imagine leaving the hospital and facing his old life, he just couldn't. He had come here to get away from all that and to feel better. As much as he was unsure about his stay here, at least it was providing him a reprieve from his life and an opportunity to heal. He didn't know if he would, but he would attempt to try. He didn't have a choice. He couldn't give up now. He had to hold on to all the fractured parts of himself and hope with everything that he had that he would find a way to put them all back together again.

As he started to feel his vision blur with sleep, Buck reminded himself to breathe. It would be different tomorrow.


	3. Painting my mind in shades of pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for the following  
> \- past suicide attempt is mentioned  
> \- bad childhood/abusive parents  
> \- panic attacks  
> \- flashbacks
> 
> If you are having suicidal thoughts and need to reach out for help call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

_“OK Mr Buckley, I think it is time that we start talking about the reason or reasons that you felt the need to check yourself into the hospital. Is that OK?”_

_“Sure.”_

_“We can stop at any time, we can change the subject. Whatever makes you the most comfortable, we will try and make happen. This is suppose to be beneficial to you and get you to a place where you are able to handle and deal with the problems that come up in your life when you leave here. So we will do whatever we can to get you to that place.”_

_“Yea... that.. that sounds good.”_

_“Alright, we can start wherever you want. Take your time, there is no rush...”_

What happened during that session was not anything that Buck could see coming. He hadn't prepared himself for the flood that entered his mind and he forgot where he was and could only know that he was drowning. Again.

Buck knew when he decided to check himself into the psych ward that there would be talking, a lot of talking. Of course there would be. He had tried to commit suicide and admitted that he was a danger to himself if he didn't get help. Of course he was going to be talking about it. He just thought that it was going to be more of a struggle getting the words out. He had gone to therapy before, not that he liked to think of that time a few years ago and even then it was hard for him to talk about what was going on inside his head. It was ironic really since people tended to describe him as someone who wore his heart on his sleeve and maybe that was the case for some things. But when it came to his pain, he usually found it extremely difficult to bring to the surface long enough to form into words. And after the fog that had settled in the past few months, Buck was certain that talking to a doctor was going to be the biggest hurdle he would have to master. He could take the medication and follow the rules and do the group activities. But talking was the thing that he wasn't sure he could do. Everything leading up to his suicide attempt had proven that he was incapable of giving his pain a voice until it came to a head. So he had managed to convince himself that now would be no different. That didn't stop him from checking himself in, he knew he needed to be here even if he couldn't talk about what was wrong. So he was prepared for not being able to talk.

He wasn't prepared that he actually would be able to talk almost without thinking about it. It was like opening the floodgates. Once the doctor said it was time to talk, it was like he had no more control over himself and he just let it out.

The forefront was all wrapped up in his job and specifically the 118. How could it not be? Work occupied most of his time and most of his relationships were with his coworker, who were more his friends than anything. Or they use to be. Buck couldn't exactly remember when he really started feeling like an outsider. Maybe it was before the lawsuit, maybe it was the tsunami. Or maybe it went farther back to the truck crushing his leg and he woke up alone, no one from the 118 in sight. He hadn't been able to blame them at the time because it had seemed like everyone had something going on but it always seemed like he was left behind. There were moments when he had stuff going on but if any of his teammates had needed him, he would have been there without them even having to ask. But they hadn't thought to do the same for him. Maybe they thought he would be OK. But then things started piling up more and more; the embolism, the tsunami, the lawsuit, his return. Buck was sure that things would have changed and they would rally behind him more then they had with his crush injury. But they hadn't. Its not like they weren't there at all, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Some times when he was still on leave, he just wanted someone to be there beside him just to be there. But somehow that never happened whether due to work or other commitments, and Buck was once again left behind. He thought things had to finally be taking a turn once he returned after the lawsuit. Perhaps it had been needed to force all that negative and stagnant energy out of their systems so they could get back to where they use to be. At least that was what Buck had been telling himself but even after told he was forgiven, he still felt like he was standing apart from them, never quite being allowed back in. On the surface, it looked like everything was normal. But Buck knew when things were off between him and his team and they may have said they were past the lawsuit, but he knew in his heart that they weren't. They never talked about it, they never fought about it. They just said he was forgiven and that was it. But he could see it in every move they made around him, every word that was spoken to him, every glance. He wasn't forgiven, not really. And he had never been welcomed back, not as one of them. He was simply another body that went with them on calls, that's it. He wasn't Buck to them anymore.

“Evan? Are you alright?” The doctor's voice tried to break through his rambling but was over taken when he started speaking again.

He had certainly never been anything to his parents. That wasn't true. He was many things to his parents. Annoying, restless, bouncing off the walls, too emotional, stupid, exhausting, a disappointment. And they made no effort to hide how they felt about him. He didn't even know why they had him after Maddie. They didn't even really seem to like her all that much either but it was definitely better than how they felt about him. They often wouldn't bother acknowledging that they even had kids unless they needed to show off what a great family they were. That was what had been important to them; the image of the perfect family and not the actual family. If they could have rent kids, they would have done that instead of having them. And the Buckley parents never missed an opportunity to let him and Maddie know that. Maybe that was why he and his sister were so close, because they really felt they only had each other growing up. Maybe it was because of their childhood that Maddie had taken the first opportunity to leave home behind and get away. But in saving herself, she was leaving him behind to deal with their parents on their own. Maddie didn't know even half the stuff that had gone on in their house after she left. But the memories of it had never left him. They only waited in the back of his mind for the right moment to come back out.

“Do you need to take a break? You're not looking good.”

Maybe those memories had come back out and he hadn't even been aware. Maybe his past was so tied up with his present that he couldn't pick it apart anymore. His memories all warped together at times and he had a hard time trying to sort through it. Bobby's face sometimes appeared in his head when he flashed back to his childhood and thought of his father. Eddie was there mocking him when he remembered being bullied as a kid. Hen would appear along side his mother, telling him how much of a screw up he was. Maddie was always on the outside of his thoughts, just skimming the edges and never coming any closer. Even in his head, he was being left alone by her.

His chest was feeling tight and it was becoming harder to breathe. Why was it getting dark? It wasn't even noon. Had it always been dark in this room? There was a tremor in his legs that he couldn't shake and when he jumped to his feet, he stumbled and had to grip his chair arm to stay upright. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, the contact immediately causing him to flinch away as he struggled to draw breath into lungs. He was drowning. He couldn't get away.

“Evan? Evan talk to me.”

But he couldn't talk. He couldn't move. He just froze. Until he felt himself falling towards the ground and once he hit the floor, his vision went black and he wasn't thinking of anything anymore.


	4. Pressing Pause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has a setback that has him thinking deeply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triggers for : past suicide attempt mention, different methods of suicide, mention of death

_“Mr Buckley are you alright? You just came out of a blackout. Do you need to take a break?”_   
  
_“No, what I need is to be done with this.”_

_“That's not how it works.”_

_“I don't care, I'm done talking.”_

When he had come to on the floor of his therapist's office, he hadn't been out long enough for her to call for help. It hadn't been more then 30 seconds before he was blinking his eyes and his body flinched when he realized that he wasn't actually drowning but was inside curled up on the carpet on the psych ward of a hospital trying to remember to breathe. _You're OK, you're OK._ He could remember telling himself as he reached over to pull him back into his chair. The doctor had a look of concern on her face and her hands were frozen in the air as if she had paused in trying to decide whether to help him up or call for help. Even after he had assured her that he was OK physically, she still kept on asking and he found himself becoming annoyed by her efforts. It was why he had immediately shut down any continuation of their session. Or maybe he just didn't want to face the mountain of memories and chaos that had flooded his head just moments before. It was easier however to pretend he was just annoyed by her and to stop any and all talking and walk away. Only it wasn't all that simple. He may have been refusing to participate in his treatment, but he was still here as his therapist pointed out and therefore must still want help even if he wasn't talking. So even though the session was over, he wasn't allowed to just go off on his own. He had had a panic attack that lead to him blacking out and now he was refusing to talk; he was not in the frame of mind to be left alone. So he was allowed to be by himself but only out in the lounge area in full view of the on call nurse. He couldn't go into his room even if he had no door and no way of hurting himself. He had to be out here under the watchful eyes of the staff. And he hated it.

He sat in the corner of the couch, arms crossed tightly and staring at the TV that was playing some cooking show that he wasn't really taking in. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to be here. So why was he still here? He had come in voluntarily, he could leave now if he wanted to. He looked over at the desk where a male nurse was typing away at the computer in front of him. If Buck wanted to, he could just march up there and say that he wanted to leave. He could get his phone back and his shoelaces and just go. He could go home and sleep in his own bed with all the old familiar sounds and smells around him and everything would be OK. He would be OK. Wouldn't he? Yes he had tried to take his own life but he hadn't gone through with it. If he stopped himself once, he could stop himself again.

But the thought of going through all that again just made him tired. He didn't know if he had it in him to do it for a second time. He wished he could just curled up on his own bed and never get out of it again. That would be ideal. He wasn't actively trying to hurt himself, so wasting away was OK. The exhaustion had settled heavily in his limbs and he felt that if he just closed his eyes right now and drifted away, he could be OK with that. So why was he still clinging on? What was holding him here?

He was scared, plain and simple. Scared of trying to get better, scared of going back. Just scared. He didn't know what was going to happen in a few days, a few weeks or even months from now. As depressing as his life had been, at least he knew what to expect every day when he woke up. It might not make sense to anyone else, but it did to him. He wanted to be happy again, he wanted to excited about his life and the people around him. But the fear that he might try and put his all into this only to be disappointed in the end held him back. It was the terror of seeing the hope disappear right in front of him that had him frozen, unable to move forward or backward. He wanted to let go of the pain and feel lighter again. But not knowing what laid ahead,made him pause. What is he suppose to do?

The truth was that he didn't want to die, not really. He just wanted everything to stop coming at him and knocking him off kilter and the only way he saw to do that was to commit suicide. Maybe that's what he had been doing all along. Staying quiet, never reaching out, fading away into the background so he was ignored and unnoticed. Just because he wasn't trying to jump off a bridge or take pills or slit his wrists didn't mean he wasn't passively trying to die this whole time. His stomach filled with lead at the thought. It had never occurred to him until now that this was what he had been doing and it hadn't helped. He had pulled away from everyone and everything and it hadn't helped make him feel better. He knew it wasn't all on him and the people around him had their own part to play in his downward spiral, but he also knew what he had done and hadn't done. Or more accurately what he hadn't tried, so how did he know if that wouldn't have changed anything?

Maybe that was why he had made the snap decision to come here. Perhaps deep down he knew that there were other things to try before he just gave up entirely. And wasn't that worth giving a shot? Even if it failed, at least he would know. And if it didn't fail, then who knew what the future would look like. It could be better than what he had before. That was the end goal here wasn't it? It was what he wanted.

Later that night after dinner, Buck knocked on the open door or his therapist's office and waited until she turned to look at him and waved him in before he went to sit down in the chair he had been in just this morning. He tapped his fingers on the wooden arm and looked around at warmly painted walls before he turned to meet her eyes again.

“I'm ready to try again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the chapter before things start getting intense. Its the calm before the storm if you will. So buckle, it will be a crazy ride. Enjoy and comment if you liked it


	5. Which way is up ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for: Past suicide attempt mention and angst
> 
> If you need Help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-8255

“Alright Buck, where do you want to start?” Linda, his therapist asked as she walked over to shut the door before taking a seat in the arm chair across from him. She had a kind face and the sort of features that put a person at ease. Maybe it was because she was so much older than him or she just gave off the aura of someone who knew exactly what they were doing and had the utmost confidence that it would work out. Either way, he had wanted to try talking to her again because she was right. He must want help if he was still here and he was indeed still here. So he might as well try to use this time to help himself. 

“I don't know where to start.” He admitted, feeling his face scrunch in annoyance. He was usually so sure of everything; what he wanted to say, what he wanted to do. When did he stop being that person? He ran fingers over the fabric of the chair arm and sighed. “I know you probably want me to start with what forced me to come here...”

“If that's what you want to talk about, then they we can do that.” Linda cut in gently,pushing her glasses up her nose with one finger. “But its not necessary to start with that or even practical to just jump into that. The goal is to get you talking and that can be about anything really.”

“I mean I already told you what happened with work and everything and I really thought that was what the main problem was....” Buck trailed off, unsure how to say what he wanted to say without it coming out incoherent. “And for a while it was the problem.”

“But then the sleeping problems began.” Linda said, her words directing him to go on.

“Yea and I guess when that happened, other things I hadn't thought about in a while started to come up. And because I wasn't sleeping...” Buck pressed his lips together into a tight line. “I didn't have the energy to push them away. And then it just all became one big jumbled mess in my head and I was having a hard time trying to make sense of it.”

“This may sound cliché, but that is the problem with pushing unresolved issues to the back of your mind. They always come back out and complicate things.” She smiled, folding her hands together in her lap. “Have you always pushed your problems away rather than deal with them?”

“You mean like most people? Yea.” He said with a curt laugh that sounded nothing like his usual laugh. “I thought if so much time had passed then they must not be problems anymore.”

“But they were.”

“Stuff I hadn't thought about in years was coming up.” Buck's mind drifted to his childhood and how he hadn't thought about his parents or his early years this much before he came to the 118. It wasn't pleasant and for a while it had been so easy to just not think about it and just cover it all up with happier memories and to stay busy so he didn't have to look too closely. But then the truck explosion happened and then the embolism: the tsunami leading to the lawsuit and then his eventual return had lowered the walls in his head and heart just enough to allow those dark thoughts and memories to start creeping toward the surface. It wasn't just the distance from the team that pushed him into depression, but it was the catalyst and a big reason why all the other stuff was coming up. “And I just was getting too tired to push it down.”

“Well you are very self aware, that's a good thing.” Linda pointed out to him. “So I don't believe we will have a problem getting you to understand your feelings. It's keeping you talking about them that will be the thing to work on.”

“Yea.” Buck nodded in response. “Probably should have tried that talking thing more before I decided to try jumping off a bridge.”

“You sound angry at yourself for almost taking your own life.”

“I am. I feel stupid and weak because I couldn't handle a few months of being treated differently.” He nearly felt himself snap. It hadn't occurred to him that he could even be angry with himself for what happened. It wasn't like some outside force had made do it, he had made that choice all on his own. What right did he have to be angry for something he chose to do? “Why couldn't I just suck it up and deal with it?”

“You were in pain. And there's nothing wrong for wanting a way out of it.” Linda told him, leaning forward closer to him. “Knowing you are hurting and having the courage to face it and say that you have had enough is dealing with it. And in the end , you decided not to take your own life. You decided to try another way. That is also dealing with it.”

“I suppose to me I was convinced that dealing with it meant ignoring it entirely and putting on a happy face.” Buck closed his eyes and sat back. Deep down, he knew ignoring what was going on wasn't helping him, knew that it was mostly just for the people around him who didn't seem to want to deal with anything heavy and would just rather that everything go back to the way it use to be. He loved his friends, but he was so desperate to please them and get back to the group that he wasn't listening to what he needed but rather just doing what he had to do to get then to treat him decently. And he didn't want to do that any more. “I did it more for the people around me then for myself. If I was pretending that everything was ok, then they would accept me like they use and then maybe everything would be ok.”

“But it wasn't.”

“No. Things weren't ok and neither was I.” Buck sighed and opened his eyes. “So maybe I should just admit that to myself and try something else.”

“That's a good start.” Linda said, nodding in approval. “And I think in a way you already have begun to admit that. You are here after all. So you must be willing to face things.”

“Is there like a switch I could flip and just be done with this?” He asked hopefully even though he already knew the answer. If it was that simple than everyone would have tried it already. He shrugged. “I'm not lazy about doing the work, I just don't want to do it. If that makes sense.”

“It does.” Linda smiled at him, shaking her head almost fondly. “No one wants to do the work when it means confronting even more pain. Doesn't mean you are lazy. It just means you are anxious about something that is so very human. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Does it get easier?”

“Yes.” She told him, no waver in her voice to suggest any doubt in her statement. “It's like with anything you struggle with. The more you try, the easier it is to do or you wind up finding another way that works for you. One way doesn't work for everyone, but it does help. And it will be easier. I can promise you that.”

The phone on her desk beeped twice and Linda shot him an apologetic look before reaching over to answer it. Buck looked around the room and wondered how many times he was going to be here while he was admitted. Would every session be productive? Would he feel better or worse at the end of this? Would he actually be able to help himself by participating in his own treatment? He was willing to try. The alternative was just not something he could go back to. He needed to do something different even if it was outside his comfort zone. Linda hung up the phone and Buck prepared himself to say something to continue the session but the doctor spoke first.

“Buck, it seems that you have a visitor.”


	6. You left me there to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for: anger issues, abusive parents, past suicide attempt mention, and bad childhood

“Hey Buck.”

“Hey Maddie.”

Buck still couldn't believe he was looking at his sister standing there next to a couch in the lounge area waiting for him. When Linda had told him he had a visitor, his mind automatically jumped to the 118 and he immediately wanted to hide. He wasn't ready to face them yet. And he figured that when that day came, he would be the one to reach out for contact and not have them force it. Buck was sure that it had been Eddie to lead the charge. Sure it was his best friend, but Eddie had never dealt well with things not being in his control and he would push if he thought it would get him what he wanted. And Buck wouldn't put it past him to come to the hospital to see Buck even if Buck hadn't asked him to.

But it hadn't been anyone from the 118, it had been Maddie and only Maddie. And if he was being honest with himself, he didn't know how he felt about her being there either. He could refuse to see her, being that he hadn't wanted visitors when he checked in. But he wasn't sure he could turn her away. He loved his sister and he knew she was worried about him, but he wasn't prepared to hear her giving him grief for what had gone down. He wasn't necessarily proud of himself for how he had done things, but he knew he had to do it before something worse happened. And he wasn't up for defending his actions to his sister right now. But he still went out there to see her, knowing at least that visiting hours were only available for another 20 minutes. He could deal with that short amount of time. It couldn't be that bad right?

“How are you?” Maddie asked softly, her voice gentle as it broke him out of his head and he met her eyes. She was looking at him like she was afraid he was going to disappear if she didn't keep her eyes on him and he couldn't exactly blame her. He did slip away from everyone but it wasn't his fault that they were all focused on each other rather than what he had been telling them. Maddie moved over to sit down on the couch and he took a seat on the arm chair across from her. She tugged on her hair before saying “I mean, obviously you're not ok since you're here. But how...”

“Why are you here?” He asked, cutting her off shortly and surprising them both with how unlike himself he sounded. But then again he hadn't been himself for a while and that was just now becoming very apparent to him.

“Why am I here? Buck you're my brother! You're in the hospital.” Maddie exclaimed, making sure to keep her voice lower but the tone still made his shoulders tense as he almost felt like he was a child being scolded. “You tell your friends that you almost jumped off a bridge and then you just up and leave without telling anyone and check yourself in for a psych hold without saying anything...”

“Well saying something didn't get me anywhere last time now did it?” He shot back, his words hitting his sister like a smack in the face and she actually sat back in shock. Buck shrugged. “You're right, I did tell them I tried to commit suicide and instead of talking to me and asking if I was ok, they turn their focus on everyone else besides me. I wasn't going to stick around for that.”

“Buck...”

“I was scared Mads, and if they weren't going to help me then I had to go somewhere that could help me.” He told her, turning to look out the window at the darkening sky. He didn't want to be looking at her when he said this next bit. “Because if I stayed there a minute longer, then I would have left the station at the end of it and gone right back to the bridge. Only this time I would have jumped. I went to them for help and they might have been there physically, but they weren't there for me. No one was. So don't you dare get on my case for choosing to save myself and not taking a second to let everyone know what the hell I was doing.”

Maddie didn't say anything in response and for a while, silence sat between them like a heavy cloud. He didn't want to be telling her these things because he knew they would hurt her. But he couldn't just keep them inside of him because he was afraid of his feelings hurting his loved ones. That had been part of the problem. Not saying anything, pushing things aside and pretending they didn't wound him was only hurting him more. He wished he didn't carry this pain around inside of him but he did and he had to figure out a way to deal with it before it consumed him entirely. 

“You're right.” Maddie's voice was the first to break the quiet and he turned away from the window to look at her and was taken aback when he saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes. He made a move toward her but she held her hand up to stop him. “You were right Buck. We weren't there for you. We didn't see how badly you needed us and even when you told the others, they still couldn't focus on you. And I'm not excluded from that either. I'm your sister. I should have known that something had been wrong. It's been wrong for a while.”

“I did do a good job of hiding it.” Buck mumbled, looking down at the carpet and clasped his hands together. “It's not really your fault...”

“No, Buck it is my fault.” She insisted, her hand appeared out of the corner of his eye and wrapped around his wrist. “You may be good at hiding your pain from the world, but you're my little brother, I should have picked up on what was going on with you.”

“You had other stuff going on.”

“That's no excuse and I'm sorry. I allowed myself to be distracted by my own crap and life that I didn't see anything else. I shouldn't have let myself get so impatient with such minor things that I couldn't tell you were reaching out for help. Hell, that should have been a red flag. You never struggle with holding a conversation. You always know what you want to say and that night you were stumbling over every other word. That should have alerted me right then and there that something was wrong. But I didn't realize it until now and I hate myself for that. I should have done better.”

“It's ok...” Buck tried to say but she squeezed his arm in disagreement. 

“No it's not. I failed you, we all did. And I don't want you to let me or any of us off the hook. We all need to own our part in this.” She told him and he looked up to meet her eyes, an old flare of stubbornness and confidence appearing. “And you're allowed to be angry at us. You know that right?”

“I don't want to be angry.” He told her and he could see the moment she understood the weight behind his statement. She knew how he felt about anger and how it could take over and change you as a person. It was how their father had been when they grew up and even their mother at times and Buck didn't want to be anything like that. In his mind, anger made him like his parents and he refused to become them. “I hate how that feels.”

“I know you do but feeling anger over us not being there doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's healthy to have anger and express it in a constructive way. Especially when it is deserved.” She said, rubbing his arm the way she use to do when he was a kid. “Buck, being angry doesn't mean you are like dad. Or like mom. It just means you're hurting and upset.”

“I know...”

“I don't think you do. Letting yourself be angry means you're recognizing that it isn't all on you and that other people are responsible for the problem at hand and letting them take up that responsibility for what they failed to do shows that you know you're worthy of and entitled to that anger for being mistreated. You should be angry. The people you care about let you down when you needed them the most. There is nothing wrong with being mad about that.”

“I just never was comfortable with anger and showing it.” Buck said, pressing his lips together tightly. He grew up associating anger with beatings, frustration with being locked in a closet, fury with the point of no return. He never truly understood how to have anger and how to eject it properly. He looked up at his sister again. “I guess that's just another thing to add to the list of things to work on.”

“I'll be here to help you if you need it.” Maddie replied with the smallest of smiles. “I promise I won't fail you again. I will do better.”

“So will I.” He smiled back, it wasn't anything close to what his usual smile was but it was good enough for his sister, who nodded and stood up, a glance at the clock showing it was time for her to leave. “Thanks for coming. I'm actually glad you showed up.”

“I almost didn't. I didn't want to push since you said no visitors but I just thought I would try.” She told him, throwing the strap of her bag over her shoulder before turning to him with the slightest frown on her face. “About the others...”

“What about them?”

“They want to come see you.” Maddie said with a grimace, her expression telling him all he needed to know that they most likely had discussed this very subject at some point but Maddie must have talked them out of coming. “I told them that I would ask but I wasn't sure you would be up for it. That didn't seem to go over too well.”

“I just can't right now.” He shook his head, thinking of his team and how much they were probably worrying about him. They might not have been there for him, but that didn't mean they were bad people. He just had to figure out how both those two different aspects could exist inside those people at the same time. “I need more time.”

“I get it. I'll make sure they know.” Maddie nodded and then stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly in the same way she use to do when he was a kid and came to her at night when he couldn't sleep. He hugged her back, missing the warmth of hugs that he had gone without for too long. When they finally stepped apart, they were both smiling. “Bye Buck.”

“Bye Mads.” Buck waved as she walked down the short hallway and out the door, slipping out of sight. Buck stood there for a bit after she was gone and for the first time in weeks, he felt the tiniest bit of weight leave his shoulders. Maybe just maybe, it was all going to be ok someday.


	7. Take what comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for anger issues and child abuse mentions

“So he's ok?”

“Yea he's ok.” Maddie told the crowd of people that seemed to descend on her the moment she stepped foot into the loft area of the 118 firehouse and she glanced to the side to catch Chim's eye and he sent her an apologetic smile. He had been the only one she had told what she was doing and it could only be because of him that the others now knew that she had just come from seeing Buck. She was going to tell them anyway no matter how the visit had turned out but now Chim had saved her the hassle of breaking the news. If she had told them before hand then they would have all wanted to come with her and that would have been majorly overwhelming for Buck. She hadn't even been sure that Buck would want to see her and she wasn't about to mess up the possibility of seeing him again just because the others wanted to push their way in. But seeing them practically tripping over themselves to ask about the visit and how he had looked and was acting made the ice around her heart thaw a bit. They weren't bad people and they meant well. They just didn't always remember to show it. “We didn't have a lot of time to talk but he seems to be ok. Or at least he is getting there.”

“He has another 2 days there right?” Bobby asked quietly, sounding more subdued then he usually did. Maddie didn't need to be looking at him to know there was regret in his eyes and she found herself feeling bad for the older man. She knew how Buck felt about Bobby, how he looked at the captain as a mentor and father figure and she wanted to be sympathetic towards him for Buck's sake. But Maddie also had her own feelings of anger towards Captain Nash for the way he had failed to properly welcome Buck back into the group and even for his behavior before Buck's return. But that was for another time, another conversation.

“Yea, 2 more days and then he's checking out.” She told the group, watching as they all seemed to sigh in relief as she walked over to the lounge area and sat down on the sofa. “I don't know what he plans to do once he is out, but it looks like he is taking it one step at a time.”

“That's good, that's what he should be doing.” Hen said, biting the corner of her lip like she wanted to say something more but didn't feel like she could. “So he really is doing alright?”

“Better than he was before.” She replied, thinking back to the brief conversation she had with the nurse at the front desk who had explained what went on there and how even though Buck kept to himself, there wasn't as much weight on his shoulders as there had been when he first checked in. It was as much as a win as she could hope to have at this point. “He's doing a lot of therapy, group and individual. It seems to be helping.”

“He was happy to see you?” Eddie asked from the other side of the room, sitting on the edge of the other sofa with his arms on his knees and his shoulders hunched. “Like he didn't refuse to talk to you?”

“I wouldn't say happy is how he looked to see me, but yea, he sat down and talked to me.” Maddie didn't want to elaborate on what exactly they talked about because that was between her and Buck and if he wanted to tell the others, then that was up to him. But until he told her otherwise, she was going to try and keep it to herself. “I probably shouldn't have just shown up like that, but thankfully it worked in my favor.”

“That's good.” Eddie nodded his head, his eyes trained on the wall behind her head for a good few seconds until he met her gaze for the first time since she arrived, a determined look on his face. “So can we go see him?”

“No.” The word were out of her mouth before she could even think of saying anything else. Eddie seemed taken aback by the shortness of her response and she scrambled to say something that didn't sound quite as harsh. “I'm sorry but no.”

“What do you mean no?” Eddie frowned in confusion and the slightest bit of annoyance seeped into his voice. The others shifted around uneasily but Eddie didn't notice. “You can't just say no and have that be it. Your word isn't law.”

“I never said it was.” Maddie shot back, already feeling tired of where this was going but she determined to keep the cooler head. “And it's not really up to me. I told Buck before I left that you guys wanted to come see him but he was the one who said no. He's not ready.”

“And I'm just suppose to take your word for it?” Eddie asked with a raised eyebrow, his tone clearly saying that he didn't believe her. 

“Come on Eddie, I doubt there is some ulterior motive going on here.” Chim said, keeping his voice light so the situation didn't get more tense then it already was. “If Maddie said Buck wasn't ready, then he's not ready.”

“And we can't do anything about that.” Hen cut in, joining the ranks to diffuse Eddie's frustration with a gentle tone. “We don't want to push him ...”

“I'm not pushing! I just want to see for myself that he's ok.”

“We all want that but this isn't about us, it's about Buck.” Bobby spoke up, his voice even and in control. “And Maddie already said he was ok. And if he wants to see us...”

“He's a grown man. I'm a grown man. I don't need your permission.” Eddie said, and they could see the idea taking root as his eyes filled with determination. “I can just go there like you did and see him if I want to.”

“Not if you want to keep him in your life.” Maddie told him simply.

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”

“I mean, you're right. You don't need my permission. I can't stop you from going there. Any of you.” Maddie said to Eddie but really it was for the whole group. “But if you go there when he specifically said he wasn't ready and push him for contact then you are running the risk of him of losing him.”

“You said he was doing ok.”

“I'm not talking about physically losing him. I'm talking about losing him as a friend, a co-worker, a family member.” She took the time to look them all in the eye to make sure they all understood where she was coming from. “Do you really think he is going to want to come back here to the 118 if you all prove that you can't respect what he needs?”

“I just want to see him.” Eddie muttered under his breath but she heard him perfectly.

“I know you do.” Maddie nodding sympathetically. She felt bad for him, really she did. But this couldn't be about Eddie, it had to be about Buck. “But he needs more time. And you have to give him that.”

“We all do.” Hen nodded in agreement.

“I'm not saying this to hurt you. But he doesn't want to see you and you have no choice but to respect that. Buck has been through enough and he doesn't need to deal with fighting off his well-intentioned but pushy best friend. He needs to focus on getting better and doing whatever he needs to do to feel like himself again. So Eddie I am warning you. Do not push this.”

“Fine fine.”

{**}-{**}

  
“You mentioned being uncomfortable being angry. Why is that?” Linda asked him during their morning session the day after Buck had seen his sister. He had told her about the conversation he and Maddie had had and how despite not being prepared for it, he had come out of it feeling ok and was even glad that she had shown up without warning. He tried not to dwell on a lot of what they had talked about but Linda had picked out when he had told Maddie he didn't like being angry and seemed to want him to elaborate on it, something he had never truly looked at too closely. He would have to do that now, since the therapist was looking at him expectantly. 

“Uh well. As with a lot of things that become issues in adulthood, it all started with my childhood.” Buck tried to keep his tone light like what they were talking about wasn't making him uneasy but he didn't know if he was succeeding. Even if his face was neutral, his twitching hands gave away what he was feeling. He sighed somewhat heavily. “My dad was angry. Actually both my parents were but it was mostly my dad.”

“He is the reason you associate anger as being a bad thing?” She asked, her pen tapping against the file she had open on her desk. “You said you had a difficult relationship with your parents but especially your father.”

“He was always angry even from the time I was really young and didn't even really know what anger was. I just knew it was a bad thing and it never meant anything good when he was like that.” Buck explained, looking down at his intertwined hands. He didn't like thinking about his family, with the exception of Maddie. Besides her, he hadn't kept in touch with his parents in 10 years. For the first few years after he left home, he made a half hearted attempt to keep in touch but they always made it so difficult and uncomfortable that he just couldn't keep doing it. It was too painful and the day he had decided to never contact them again had felt like a huge relief. He thought he had put it all behind him but apparently, it was only ever going to stay buried for so long. “Usually it was proceeded by frustration and I learned to read him well enough to know how to dodge that bullet and what could come after.”

“What could you possibly have done as a young child to make him frustrated with you?”

“Existing?” Was the first thing to come out of his mouth. “Not being tough, being too energetic, too emotional. Just me in general.”

“Did he feel that way about your sister?”

“He certainly liked her better than me. They both did.” Buck admitted, raising his eyebrow honestly. “But even with Maddie, they weren't great. They just like the idea of having a son and a daughter, but they didn't actually care about their kids. They like the image it gave them. But in general they ignored us.”

“And you went to your sister for comfort when you needed it?”

“Yea, Maddie raised me more then our parents ever did. She knew what they could be like and tried to shield me from the worst of it.” Buck thought back to those early years when he would have trouble sleeping and learned very quickly that going to his parents about it was not going to end well and had instead gone straight for Maddie, who was always ready to let him cuddle up to her in bed or stay up reading him a story or just talk to him until he fell asleep. She was the only good thing about being in that house. 

“And going to your parents would invite anger?”

“Yea. It didn't matter what it was, my father was quick to anger and my mother just let him do it.” Buck couldn't count how many times he had cried out for his mother to help him and she had simply turned and walked away as his father's hand came down on him again. “He would do whatever he had to do to shut me up. His words, not mine.”

“You know that it ...”

“It wasn't my fault? Yea I know that.” Buck cut in and he did know that. Yea he was a lot to deal with when he was a kid but even he knew that there was nothing he could do or not do that would justify being treated like that. But that didn't mean it didn't have any lasting effects. Case in point, the uneasiness he had about being angry. “But I can't stop feeling like if I allow myself to feel anger, even justified anger, that it somehow makes me like him. And I told Maddie I do not want that. So I tried to never hold on to that.”

“But it is a healthy thing to feel anger. And there are healthy ways to release that anger without it turning violent.” Linda pointed out with a gentle tone.

“I guess I know that on some level, but trying to convince my brain of that is hard. I never saw a good release of anger growing up. And yea, I've seen people being angry but none of them were super close to me. It's different when its in your circle.” Buck's thoughts drifted to his friends and how he was always known in their group as being the golden retriever, the sunshine one out all of them. He liked how it made him feel to be known as a good person. And he worried that if he let out the pain and anguish and yes, anger in his heart that he had towards them, then it would tarnish how they saw him. He didn't want to lose that. “I'm kind of scared that if I allow myself to be angry at my friends for how they treated me then it will just be a gateway opening up to something bad.”

“See I don't think that would happen.” Linda set her pen down and leaned forward. “You grew up with anger being associated with violence and it has warped your view about it. You know you don't want to be like your father because you know how it feels to have violent anger turned on you. I think because you know that, you would never allow yourself to lash out the way your father did. The thing you have to work on is being ok with having anger inside of you. It's not a bad thing to be angry when you have been hurt by people you care about. It means you respect yourself enough to get protective of your own heart and fight for something better.”

“My sister said something similar yesterday.” Buck said, thinking back to their conversation and wondering if maybe she had been right. “She might have had a point.”

“You learned very early that anger was always a bad thing and your brain got use to that kind of thinking. Now you have to break that thinking habit and train it to look at it from a different point.” Linda said with a smile. “You have to let yourself let go of the anger in a way that is constructive. But you have to let yourself be ok with the anger in the first place.”

“That's not going to be easy.”

“The things most worthwhile never are.”

{**}-{**}

If there was such a thing as having a good day on a psych ward then Buck could say he was having it.

After his session that morning with Linda, he had walked out of her office feeling lighter if not at peace. He knew he had a long way to go before he felt truly at ease with everything he was carrying around, but for the moment he was feeling ok. It was probably the best he had felt coming out of a therapy session and he hoped he could hold on to that good feeling for the rest of the day. And for the most part he had. Not that it was easy or simple, but he had tried and that was the main thing. He was finally coming out of his shell and opening up. That in itself was probably the most ironic of statements since he was known for wearing his heart on his sleeve. That was a quality about him that people always said that they appreciated about him, that they never had to pry things out of him when it came to feelings and what he was thinking. And he had liked that about himself. But even he knew it wasn't completely true. Sure he came across as open but when it came to the dark things about himself, he held back immensely and trying to change that was hard. But he was determined to push through and the only way to do that was to jump into things without hesitation. 

As he sat on a couch near the window, stating out at the gloomy sky, Buck thought back to the pastb few days but mostly focused on his time here in the hospital. He still wasn't thrilled to be here but he knew he had to be and he was starting to feel like he was getting something out of it. It was what he had needed and he just hadn't known it until it was almost too late.

Group therapy for one thing was certainly an activity that took some time getting use to. It wasn't just because everyone was a stranger and it felt weird opening up about his personal problems to them. But in some ways he also didn't feel like he had a right to complain. Yea he had a bad childhood and things were crappy at work, but some of these people were dealing with drug and alcohol addiction on top of being depressed and having no one else around them. As bad as things were for him, he still had a great apartment and a sister who was trying to be there for him and he didn't have any substance abuse problems. Some of the other patients were much worse off then he was and because of that he tended to be more quiet during these sessions. But as he found out , one person's pain didn't negate another's. That just because someone may come from worse circumstances, it didn't mean his circumstances weren't devastating to his life. Once that was clear to him, it was like a door had opened up and he was pushing himself through it. He knew he would never truly get as much out of group therapy as some of the others, but he was talking and listening and learning. That was enough for now.

And at least he had other things to occupy his time when he wasn't in therapy. There were always groups of people playing games or watching TV together. There was art supplies in the rec area and Buck himself had tried once or twice to paint and only ended up realizing that he sucked at it and found no joy in it. But there were books and magazines and he could always call his sister for a distraction if he needed it. He was ok, he was struggling but he would be ok. 

“Buck?” A voice called out to him from across the room, breaking him out of his thoughts and sent him flying to his feet almost instantly.

“Eddie?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just leaving this little announcement here. 
> 
> After chapter 10 is posted, this fic will be going on a small hiatus. I want to have a break from it so I don’t get writer’s block and I can make it better for you guys.
> 
> And I also want to be able to make some progress on some of my other fics that I haven’t touch in a long time. I hope to be able to make updates on those or perhaps even finish them if I can.
> 
> But either way, I won’t be away from this fic for long


	8. Path of Thorns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for possible victim blaming, unwarranted blame, mention of past suicide

“Hey Buck.”

“Hey Eddie.”

Then there was silence. Buck didn't know what to say and it seemed neither did Eddie. So the two of them stood there facing each other waiting for the other one to make a move. Why was he here? Buck knew somewhere in the back of his mind that this might happen, that someone from the 118 might show up while he was here but he didn't think it would be Eddie. And after Maddie had come by, he knew the rest of them would hear about it and it would only be a matter of time before another one of them tried to see him. But again, he didn't think it was going to be Eddie. He figured after everything that had gone down in the last few months that maybe Hen would show up, or even Chim. But Eddie held everything so close to his chest and hated anything that was remotely emotional. He had gotten better then he use to be but after Buck's confession, he was convinced that this would be too much for Eddie to face right now. And frankly, Buck wasn't ready for it either.

Apparently the universe had other ideas.

“So... how are you?” Eddie asked, walking over to the couch with his hands stuck in his pockets looking awkward as hell but he didn't seem like he was ready to bolt.

“I'm fine.” Buck replied shortly, watching Eddie through narrowed eyes and before he could even stop himself, he asked. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.” Eddie seemed a little surprised when he spoke, like the idea of not wanting to see Buck had never even occurred to him. And maybe it hadn't. When things had been good between them, they were really good and maybe that was the place Eddie was coming from. But Buck was in the present where he had months of being alone with himself and the distance from the team as the only things he knew. So Eddie might be thinking it was simple to just show up here, but it was anything but. Eddie moved to sit on the other end of the couch, it was the closest they had been in a long time. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Yea kind of.” Buck admitted, crossing his arms so his slightly shaky hands were out of sight. “But I specifically said I didn't want visitors.”

“I know. but Maddie came to see you and you didn't send her away so I figured I could try my luck and see if you would talk to me.” Eddie shrugged nonchalantly, clearly not seeing what a problem this was and that pissed Buck off if he was being honest. Because once again it meant that what he wanted and needed was not being taken seriously in favor of what Eddie wanted. Eddie clenched his hands tightly on top of his knees. “It's ok isn't it?”

“No it's not.” Buck found himself saying,perhaps too loudly as the nurse at the desk looked up from the computer and over at them. Buck shook his head at her to say everything was ok before he turned back to Eddie, making sure to keep his voice lower. “It's not ok to just show up here. At least Maddie had the decency to come at the end of visiting hours so even if I didn't want her here, it would have been almost time for her to leave. I could handle that much and she got that. I also told her I wasn't ready for anyone else to come here and I thought you had enough respect for me to listen to what I wanted.”

“But you let Maddie come!” Eddie hissed, a small frown passing across his features. “When that nurse called and told Maddie that you didn't want visitors, she still showed up and you let her stay.”

“She's my sister.”

“And we're your friends. We wanted to make sure you were ok.”

“Now you are worried if I am ok?” Buck sat up straight, feeling something akin to anger blazing under the surface of his skin. Eddie's words may sound harmless enough but it wasn't what he was saying that was the problem, at least not on it's own. It was the look on his face, the lines in his forehead when he never stopped frowning, the way he clenched and unclenched his hands as if he was struggling to hold it all together. Eddie wasn't reacting out of concern for Buck, he was reacting out of needing something for himself. Buck couldn't help but laugh sarcastically. “I'm in a psych ward, I'm probably the safest I have been in months. But when I wasn't here, you didn't seem so worried about how I was doing.”

“Buck, you told us you almost jumped off a bridge a week and a half ago and then you just left without saying anything.” Eddie exclaimed, almost throwing up his hands but they only got up halfway before they dropped down again. “Of course we were worried.”

“You were all too focused on each other and what you guys did wrong and completely forgot I was sitting there.” Buck told him, looking away to the window and wishing that Eddie wasn't there. It wasn't something that he had ever thought before, but then again it wasn't like any other time. He looked at Eddie again. “You guys didn't care to help me so I went out and helped myself.”

“You still should have said something!” Eddie said in what could only be described as a growl as he looked more and more frustrated. “We were freaking out that you were going to try something again.”

“Then maybe you should tried harder before it got to that point.” Buck shot back, raising an eyebrow at the other man almost in a challenge. He didn't like being mad at anybody, especially Eddie. But right now he just couldn't help what he was feeling. Eddie wasn't getting it and he was not backing down. Buck shook his head, already feeling tired. “Things have been shitty ever since I came back and no one seemed to notice or care.”

“We were still trying to get use to you being back and letting things get back to normal. We didn't mean ...” Eddie began to say but Buck cut him off right away.

“To treat me like shit? To ignore me? To make me feel like I wasn't part of the team? You didn't mean to do that?” Buck asked, the words flowing out him fast like a damn had just broken inside of him. “Well you did and I was done dealing with that. You don't get to treat me like garbage and then be pissed that I don't want to tolerate it anymore.”

“I just want a chance to make it up to you.” Eddie's frown deepened. “You wanted to be seen and heard. I want to be able to give that to you. Why won't you let me do that?”

“I gave you that chance when I told you about my suicide attempt. And you choose to make it about you.” Buck had to fight to keep from shouting but inside his head, his voice was loud and raw and he didn't want to hold back any more. “Isn't that always what you're accusing me of?”

“For fuck sake I was in shock. I didn't understand how it got to this point and I was trying to make sense of it.” Eddie threw back, his brown eyes flashing with anger to the point that Buck stood up prepared to walk away. Eddie stood up too. “I'm trying here Buck. Why are you making this so hard?”

“Oh I'm sorry my downward spiral is an inconvenience to you and it doesn't have some easy solution.” Buck felt like his chest was on fire and he actually put his fingers to his sternum to make sure. He should have known this was going to end bad. He should have refused to see Eddie. He should have just walked back to his room. So many should haves. Buck looked at Eddie again and shook his head. “You know what? I'm done doing this. You can go now.”

“Buck come on..” Eddie started to plead, moving towards him with his hands out but Buck moved out of reach and started walking backwards. Eddie advanced towards him. “Just sit down and talk to me.”

“No.” Buck said simply, waving his hand between the two of them. “I'm done talking. Please leave.”

“Buck come on...” Eddie started to move forward again but he was stopped by the nurse who had appeared at his side and dropped a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Sir you are putting the patient in distress. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.” The nurse told him, steering him around towards the exit. Eddie looked like like he was going to throw hands but even from a distance, Buck could see the nurse's fingers tighten. “Don't even think about it. Leave before I call security.”

“I'm going, I'm going.” Eddie grumbled, shooting Buck one last pleading look before allowing himself to be pushed out the door and Buck felt himself breathe for the first time since he laid eyes on Eddie.

{**}{**}

If there was one thing Eddie didn't see coming the next day, it was being pushed against the nearest wall and hit in the shoulder by a 4 month along pregnant woman. Eddie didn't even know Maddie was there at the station when he walked in. He thought he remembered Chim mentioning that he wouldn't be seeing her until late that night, so when he walked in for his shift and was immediately shoved into the wall from behind, his last thought in the world was that it was going to be Buck's sister. But it was and as she stood before him glaring up at him in absolute fury, Eddie understood the true meaning of 'if looks could kill'. Before he could even open his mouth to speak, the rest of the 118 was approaching them, all sharing looks of concern and more so of confusion.

“Maddie what the hell.” Chim was the first to reach them, his hands immediately going to her to pull her away from Eddie, but Maddie waved his hands away and stepped back on her own accord. “What's going on?”

“Oh you want to know what's going on?” Maddie replied, her narrowed eyes shooting him a knowing look and for a second, Eddie wondered if she was going to try and hit him again. He and Maddie had gotten along just fine in the time that they had known each other, but he had never seen this side of her before. There was only one thing that could bring out this level of anger and protectiveness from her; Buck. She sighed heavily. “I got a call from my brother last night. And this idiot decided to pay him a visit after I told you all that he didn't want to see anyone else.”

“You saw Buck?” Bobby asked, his forehead wrinkling with a frown as he looked between them. “Yesterday?”

“Yea.” Eddie replied, gritting his teeth as the others looked at him with unsure expressions and that lit a fire under his skin and he could feel the old anger rising up inside of him. “What?”

“You really think that was a good idea?” Hen asked, her voice calm and level like it always was in times of conflict but even so he could hear the disapproval in her tone as she looked at him. “We all want to see him but...”

“They knew better then to push it. Unlike you.” Maddie hissed, holding her hands in fists down at her sides. She may have been small, but that wouldn't matter in the grand scheme if she felt she needed to physically fight him to protect her brother. She threw a finger up at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You went to see him and he talked to you. I just wanted to do the same.” Eddie shot back, allowing the strap of his bag to slide down his arm so the bag dropped to the floor at his feet and he made no move to pick it up. He got where she was coming from, he really did. But she didn't get it. His best friend was in the hospital and had been for days and he needed to see him. He looked at Maddie. “I didn't do anything you didn't do yourself.”

“Yea except when I went there I was remorseful and apologetic.” She shot back at him with suck venom in her voice that Chim raised a hand , ready to grab her if she lashed out. “You went there and were aggressive and on the defense and blaming him and making it about you.”

“You did what?” Bobby asked, his face full of disbelief.

“I was not blaming him.” Eddie hissed, looking around at the others but seeing that they were all looking at him with some variation of a frown on their faces. He was the bad guy right now and he hated it. “I was just trying to understand everything.”

“Well you did a crappy job because he felt attacked.” Maddie told him, her shoulders sagging, her angry expression faltering a bit as she ran a hand down her face. “He called me last night and he was upset. He was just starting to feel ok again and then you had to come in and push him down.”

“That was not what I wanted to happen.” Eddie said honestly, because it wasn't. He just wanted to talk to his friend. He wasn't trying to attack him. Why couldn't they understand that ?

“Well it did and you could have set him back in his recovery!” The fury was back on Maddie's face as she turned back to him. Chim stepped up to her side, his arm going around her as she spoke but she barely seemed to notice it. “Why couldn't you just let him be? Why did you have to push this?”

“Because I felt bad and I wanted to make amends.”

“I told you he wasn't ready and needed more time. Everyone else understood that except for you. Because it didn't matter what he wanted. All you could see was what you wanted and you didn't care how you got it even if it meant disrespecting your best friend's wishes.” Maddie's eyes searched his, like she was looking for something to convince herself that she wasn't looking at a monster, because that must be what he looked like to her. The bad person who stormed into the hospital to ambush her little brother. That wasn't what happened! But she couldn't seem to see that. “This wasn't about you Eddie, it was about Buck. You're suppose to be his best friend.”

“ I am his best friend.” Eddie had to stop himself from shouting but the longer this conversation went on, the more he felt like he was the one being attacked. “You're making a bigger deal out of this then it needs to be.”

“It's serious Eddie, of course I am going to be making a big deal out of this.” Maddie shook her head at him, the tension in her shoulders was tight. “He felt like you were mad at him for falling apart. And he doesn't need to be adding more to his plate right now. He already beats himself up about everything.”

“That's true.” Hen said so quietly that they almost didn't hear her. But they did, they all did and the truth of it hung in the air, further stirring the tension between them.

“I didn't mean for him to feel that way, I'm just trying to make sense of all this.” Eddie said, trying to keep his voice steady even when he wanted to throw caution to the wind and just totally lose it on everyone. “I didn't intend for him to feel like I was attacking him.”

“It doesn't matter what you intended to happen. Your actions and words said differently than your intent and if you stopped to think about it, then you would realize that.” Maddie stared at him as if she and him were the only ones there. “By going there against his wishes, you basically said that what he needs does not matter to you and that his well being is not even a blip on your radar. And if you lose him because of this, then that is on you.”

“That's a little harsh don't you think?” Bobby asked, looking around at each their faces as if searching for some kind of lifeline. “I mean, Buck will be ok and he will come back to work and...”

“Yea he may come back to work but do you really think it will be like it was before? Because he will be coming back to a place where he has at least one person who didn't care enough to listen to what he wanted!”

“I told Buck we would get past all this and we will. I won't lose him. It will be fine.” Eddie was the one to narrow his eyes this time and he turned to look at Maddie. “Don't throw all this on me.”

“Look I'm not blameless in this ok? I messed up and I wasn't there for him and I owned up to that. I told him I was going to do better and I plan to do that. He's my brother, I love him. We all do.” Maddie looked at each of them and they all nodded in agreement. She took another breath before speaking again. “But we did a crappy job of showing it. And now we need to do what is best for him and if that is staying away until he is ready then that is what we have to do, even if it kills us.”

“She has a point.” Hen said even though it looked like it pained her to say so.

“We haven't been treating Buck like family in a very long time. We got caught up in just wanting it to feel like it did before that we never dealt with any of it. That will have to change.” Bobby looked at Maddie when he said this and the look of determination that filled his eyes seemed to soften the older Buckley. “We'll play it by what Buck wants and go from there.”

“Agreed.” Chim spoke up, squeezing Maddie with one arm and offering her a smile. “We will do what Buck wants. If he wants distance, then we will give him that.”

“I'm not doing that. We did that enough during the lawsuit and afterwards; I'm not doing it again.” Eddie snapped, feeling his stomach tighten with disgust at keeping himself away from his best from his best friend. How was that suppose to solve anything? He glanced at the others.“No more distance. Isn't the whole point is to be there for him?”

“Yea because you were there for him so much before now huh?” Maddie nearly grumbled under her breath but Eddie's ears picked it up and he glared at her.

“What are you talking about?” He could see the others shifting around uneasily but he only looked at her.

“Is it really that much of a surprise that he doesn't want to talk to you? You invalided his feelings long before things got bad.”

“No I didn't.”

“Yea you did. After the embolism when he was really depressed and couldn't get out of bed, you forced him out and basically told him to stop moping around and feeling sorry for himself; like he didn't have a right to be grieving everything that happened.” Maddie looked furious, so furious that even Chim removed his arm from his girlfriend and took a step back. He didn't think Maddie would actually physically lash out, but he clearly thought that Maddie needed to get this out of her system. “His job is his life and he couldn't do it and you didn't allow him a few days to even get use to that. You just wanted him to suck it up and get over it.”

“Maddie I didn't mean for that to sound like that,”

“Yea and Chim told me about that conversation you all had when Buck was gone after the embolism. Real good advice to think you 're just suppose to ignore your problems and it will all go away.” This time she glared at all of them and at least the others had the sense to look down at their feet. “By saying that and proving that to Buck, you made him feel like he couldn't come talk to you when he was depressed. Let's also not forget to mention the grocery store fight.”

“The grocery store?” Eddie frowned, thinking back to that day and trying to see what Maddie was seeing.

“Telling him that he was exhausting and to stop whining about his problems?” She snapped, her words hitting him like a sledgehammer and Eddie felt his stomach drop. Had he really been as harsh as Maddie was accusing him of ? Judging by the way she looked on the verge of screaming at him, the answer was yes. “And then you wonder why the two of you never got back on track even when he did return. You made him feel like a burden, Eddie.”

“He's not a burden! I didn't mean it like that.”

“Well that's how it felt to him and you never talked to him about it or apologized to him.” Maddie looked far more furious than he had ever seen her before. She wasn't one to show anger all that much and he was starting to feel like he needed to walk away before he said anything unprofessional. Maddie looked beyond disgusted with him. “Ever since he came back, Buck has been the only one apologizing. You should be the one doing that.”

“That's why I wanted to go there to see him. To apologize.” Eddie lashed out, his voice louder then he wanted it to be and he could see Bobby raising his hand from the corner of his eye. “He won't let me!”

“Because you're being an asshole! And turning the focus on you every single time.” She hissed at him, taking a step forward in his direction. “If you want him to remain your best friend when he comes back, then you need to try harder.”

“I don't need you to tell me how to handle my friend.”

“Actually you do, because your 9 year old son has a healthier emotional maturity than you do.” She said, looking suddenly tired as she put her hand in her pocket for her keys, pulling them out. Before glancing at him one more time. “If the next time you have contact with Buck you can't react in a calm way and not make it about yourself, then I will do whatever I have to do to keep you away. Consider that a warning.”

She walked away from them just as the alarm went off and Eddie watched her go and knew she meant every single word she had said to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just make a note to let you all know that there are two more chapters left before this fic goes on hiatus for a bit. And you might want to prepare yourself because chapters 9 and 10 take things up a notch


	9. New air to breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for mention of self harm and past suicide attempt

“So I don't know if I'm ready to leave here just yet.” Buck told Linda when he walked into her office that morning for their scheduled session and dropped down heavily in the armchair across from her desk. He hadn't planned on just coming right out and saying it like that, but as soon as the words appeared in his head, they just as quickly exited his mouth and Buck desperately wanted to pull them back in. He didn't like admitting that he wasn't ready to move on just yet; it was one thing to say it out loud in his head and it was another thing to say it to another person. He didn't want to come across as weak and if he was being honest, Eddie's visit the other day still had him thrown and made him want to keep everything tightly guarded and locked away inside of him. But when he woke up this morning and realized that he was due to check out the next morning, his nerves had gotten the better of him and he immediately high tailed it to Linda's office and just blurted out what was in the forefront of his mind. Linda, to her credit didn't seem shocked by what he said and just motioned for him to relax as she shut the door and sat back down again. 

“Why do you feel like you're not ready?” She asked, looking at him with a gentle smile.

“I don't know. It just doesn't seem like its the right time.” Buck frowned at his words, they didn't seem quite right but he didn't know how else to explain what he was thinking. “A few days in a psych ward and you just let me go?”

“It's not jail Buck. It's a mental health facility. Most people who end up here are released. And you came here strictly on your free will.” She explained calmly, probably because she had had this conversation many times before. “And you still say it like you did something wrong. You came here for help and now it's time for you to leave.”

“But how do you know it's the right time?” Buck asked, feeling almost frantic as he leans forward with his arms on his knees. “Maybe I should stay a few more days.”

“I do not believe you need more time here.” Linda told him, her eyes studying him intently. “You did the work by asking for help, you did the work by coming here and doing the therapy. You may not think you are ready, but you are.”

“You don't know for sure. What if I go home and....” Buck trailed off, not sure where he was going with this. His thoughts automatically went to failure and how if he went home now then any and all progress he had made in the last few days was going to disappear. What if he back slide and things got bad again? What if he couldn't move forward at all and was just stuck? What if he couldn't take it anymore? He looked up at Linda. “I tried to commit suicide less then 2 weeks ago and a few days in a hospital and I'm just all ready to leave?”

“Ahh I see what you're getting it.” The therapist nodded in understanding as she crossed her arms. “You're worried that without the structure of being here, that somehow things are going to go back to how they were before you arrived.”

“Yes exactly.” Buck threw up his hands and sat back in his chair. “It's not like I went to the hospital for a broken limb or a concussion. I tried to take my own life and now I'm allowed to just go back?”

“That's how it work. We take on patients who are at the brink and get them to a point where they are no longer in that dark place and are able to return to their own environment and resume their lives while still doing the work to keep their mental health in stable condition.” She explained, her voice calm and steady like it had been in every session they had. “Just because you will no longer have the structure of being in an actual hospital doesn't mean you won't have access to help when you need it.”

“I know.” Buck replied quietly, finding a sudden interest in the floor.  
  
“When you go home, I would highly recommend that you have regular therapy at least for the foreseeable future.” 

“I plan to .” Buck said, nodding his head. He had thought about it whenever he remembered that he would eventually be back in his apartment and not in the hospital and would need some kind of lifeline once he was out of here. But it didn't seem like enough. “It just feels like I shouldn't be leaving after almost doing something that I couldn't take back.”

“You're worried that you might back slide once you leave?” Linda asked and he nodded again. He looked up, expecting her to look concerned but instead she looked like she was going to smile. She moved her chair closer to him and asked. “Buck, are you going to kill yourself?”

“No.” Buck's head shot up and he felt his forehead deepen in frown. “Of course not.”

“Are you going to self harm in any way?”

“No not at all.” Buck shook his head. He knew that much was true. He would never again let himself get to the point where he was in such a low place ever again. “I don't want to die and I don't want to hurt myself. But maybe I only convinced myself of that because I'm not back to my old life. Maybe I will think differently when I'm out.”

“Judging by how convincingly you told me that you won't hurt yourself, I am absolutely certain that you will be ok.” Linda said with a small sigh. “You're scared and that is normal after experiencing what you did. But you are more than capable of continuing your own care once you leave the hospital. If you were strong enough to reach out for help before, you are strong enough to keep it going now.”

“Yea I guess.” Buck shrugged, pressing his lips together in a tight line. “I just don't want to mess up again.”

“Buck, you didn't mess up before. You were depressed and thought you could handle it on your own. And then it got to a point where you couldn't deal with anymore but you stopped yourself from letting it go too far and you went to get help. That doesn't mean you messed up or are weak. You've had a lot of trauma these past few years and it caught up to you. And it's ok. You will be ok. You just have to keep telling yourself that and letting those around you help you when you need it.”

“It's probably easier said than done right?” He laughed lightly and Linda shared a smile with him.

“You're never going to feel 100% certain about leaving the hospital, at least not in the beginning. But eventually you are going to reach a point where as unsure as you are at being back in your own environment, you will never be unsure about how you feel right now about your own life. You said it yourself, you don't want to die or hurt yourself. Hold on to that very feeling and it will keep you going when you feel less than stable. You will have a therapist who is only a phone call away and you have your sister and friends to help you. You're not alone Buck. You'll do just fine.”

{**}-{**}

“Sooooo...” Chim began to say as the two of them were cleaning up from lunch, with him loading the dishwasher and her scraping the food from the plates before handing them to him. Maddie was almost a little surprised that he had spoken; for some reason he had been unusually quiet all through out the meal and even before that. Nothing bad happened at work, at least nothing out of the ordinary for shifts at the 118 but he hadn't seemed up for talking when he got home and she had let him be alone, knowing that he would come to her when he was ready and wanting to talk about whatever it was that was on his mind. Apparently now was that time. He finished setting the last plate in the bottom tray before closing the lid of the dishwasher and standing up facing her with a look of apprehension on his face that was practically foreign to her. She couldn't remember the last time he had looked so nervous when he was about to talk and now she was getting nervous herself. Chim fiddled with a nearby dish towel before finally asking. “So, how's Buck? Have you talked to him lately?”

“I actually talked to him earlier today.” Maddie told him, feeling somewhat relieved that this was what he wanted to talk about instead of something dreadful that she was already building up in her mind. She smiled and went over to the table to sit down, taking a sip of her water before speaking again. “He's doing ok. He's a little nervous about leaving the hospital but he had a session with his therapist this morning and he sounds calmer.”

“That's good.” Chim shot her a half grin and walked over to join her, pulling his chair closer and then sitting down, reaching across the table so their hands brushed. “So he's still checking out tomorrow?”

“That's the plan.” Maddie nodding, thinking back to the phone call she had with her brother. He had been very forthcoming about his release the next day but he had sounded more nervous than she had ever heard him before and it threw her a bit. Buck was not one to be unsure about anything, but she reminded herself that this was not the Buck they use to know. That was a Buck that was very good at hiding his true emotions to the point that they hadn't even known how close to the edge he had been until it was almost too late. And as foreign as this Buck was to her now, she was glad that he was being so blunt about what he was feeling; there were no surprises or guess as to what was going on with him. He just came right out and said it and that was a good thing. Maddie glanced at Chim. “He's going to drive himself home and I actually think I might go over and spend some time with him.”

“Yea, that's a good idea.” Chim nodded, still looking distracted and she couldn't figure out why. “He could use some company.”

“I would have gone back to visit him after that first time, but I didn't want to overwhelm him.” Maddie almost frowned in response to what she said. Even though it had turned out ok, she still felt a little guilty for going against Buck's wishes about not wanting visitors in the first place. She wanted to respect what he wanted and wait until he reached out to her. But she was a big sister and she had failed him by not seeing these signs of him spiraling and she couldn't keep the distance knowing that she had hurt him in that way. In a way it didn't make her any better than Eddie but at least she had only gone to check up on him. When Eddie went, it may have been with good intentions but came off as aggressive. That whole situation had most likely soured Buck on having visitors, even her. “And after the whole Eddie fiasco, it probably wasn't the best idea to try again.”

“Yea I'm sorry about that.” Chim replied, looking up at her and she could see the regret and guilt in his eyes. “If I had know Eddie was going to do that...”

“You would have done what? Try to stop him? I have no doubt that you would.” Maddie said, grabbing his hand tightly. “But Eddie is a grown man. And when he gets an idea in his head, nothing will stop him.”

“I know, I just feel like I should have done something.” He sighed, squeezing her fingers. “Because you were right, this could have set Buck back and that's the last thing we want.”

“I know you feel bad and I love you for that, but this is not your fault. Even if you had know, it wouldn't have stopped Eddie. He was very determined to get to Buck.” Maddie knew this to be true. It didn't matter if Chim had known or not; Eddie was going to that hospital and he would not be stopped. Sure if Chim had known, he could have tried to talk Eddie out of it, but the other man could have very easily made Chim think he had made his point and then still gone anyway. Maddie loved that Chim felt things the way that he did, but she hated that he felt guilty about this. “Please don't beat yourself up about this.”

“It's not just the Eddie thing.” He said quietly, his forehead wrinkling in a frown. “It's everything with Buck.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, I owe you an apology.” He looked at her right in the eye and she could see more than just regret and guilt in his face. He looked like he was in pain. He gripped her hand tightly. “I should have been there for him more.”

“Chim...” She started to say but he cut her off.

“No it's true, and not just because he was so depressed and almost died. I should have tried harder when he first came back. We're his friends and teammates. He and I are going to be family. That's my brother and I didn't try hard enough to welcome him back. I just followed what everyone else was doing. I thought that if we just said he was forgiven and moved on that everything was going to be fine. But it wasn't fine and we never talked about the aftermath of the lawsuit because it would have made things awkward and we just wanted to get back to how we use to be. But not talking it out kept us at a distance with Buck and I'm just now seeing it and I feel like a jerk. No wonder he felt so alone and couldn't reach out, we may have forgiven him but we weren't acting like it. And even when he did reach out, we were so not ok that we couldn't see how close he was to the edge. If he hadn't picked up the phone when Chris called...”

“But he did and he's ok.” Maddie assured Chim, grabbing his other hand so she was anchoring him here in the present. “And he will keep on being ok. We can help him this time. We will all do better. This isn't just on you.”

“I know, I know. In my head I know what you're saying is true, it's just my heart won't keep up.” He shook his head with a sigh, tugging on her hands so she was closer to him. “I Just needed to apologize.”

“If you feel you need to apologize, I get that. You took a few missteps.” She smiled at him, wanting him to feel better but knowing it would only come with understanding. “But it's not me that you need to apologize to. It's Buck who needs to hear this.”

“He will, I promise you I will talk to him.” Chim hurriedly said, trying his hardest to smile but it didn't quite meet his eyes. “When he's ready of course.”

“Oh of course.” She said teasingly and it was this playful tone that finally brought the first hints of a true smile to Chim's face. “Look we don't have to figure it all out right now. Let's just focus on Buck coming home and we will take it from there.”

“You're right.” He nodded, leaning over to kiss her briefly before sitting back. “Are you going to tell your parents?”

“What do you mean?” Maddie felt her stomach tighten uneasily and it took a lot for her to not immediately jump up and run at the mention of her parents.

“Do they know what is going on with Buck?”

“No and they're not going to know.” Maddie said, her tone turning serious and sharp so suddenly that even Chim sat back in surprise. “ I told you they weren't good people and they aren't good parents, especially not to Buck. They didn't care to get in touch when things happened with Doug and they never tried to contact Buck after the firetruck explosion or the embolism or the tsunami or the lawsuit. Granted we cut them off years ago but they could have kept tabs on us and tried to reach out, but they didn't. And I doubt they ever will. They're not good to have in our lives and Buck will not want them to know. It won't help to have that kind of drama after everything that has happened in the past 2 years. It's better not to involve them.”

“Most people would want their family around in bad times like this and in good times...” Chim pressed his palm against her pregnant belly and she knew he meant well and didn't want her to have regrets but she knew without a doubt that she was right in this. She and Buck weren't going to suffer for not having their parents involved in their lives. If anything they were going to thrive and life would be better. She was sure of this. She didn't want those people around, especially not when Buck was in a fragile state and she was pregnant. She looked at him and smiled and that seemed to put him at ease. “As long as you are sure..”

“I'm sure."

{**}-{**}

“All I'm saying is that you need to cool down and think about things.” Hen said to him as the two sat together in the loft drinking coffee near the end of their shift as the others moved around them in an attempt to avoid interaction, most likely with Eddie rather than Hen. When word had gotten around that he had defied Maddie's insistence to stay away from Buck, it seemed like everyone around him was on edge and shot him wary looks when he passed by. He thought it would blow over quickly because he honestly didn't see why anyone else had a right to be annoyed by what he did. But all shift things had been weird and awkward and thankfully it had been a quiet day or else trying to work together could have been a disaster, hence why Hen came over to talk to him. She shot him a look. “You get why people are mad right?”

“Not really.” Eddie grumbled petulantly, crossing his arms. “I don't see why any one else has to be involved with this. It's not their business.”

“Actually it is. We all work together. We're a team.” Hen frowned in response, something she seemed to be doing a lot lately and especially around him. She set her coffee mug off to the side and leaned forward. “All you have to do is see why they have a problem with you going off half cocked at Buck and it will be ok.”

“First of all, I didn't go off at Buck.” He shot back, feeling defensive and more so, annoyed. “And second, I don't see how I did anything wrong. I was concerned about my friend and I went to go see him. How is that bad?”

“It's not bad if you had gone with a different attitude.” She said , her voice steady for the time being. “But you came across as aggressive and harsh, towards someone who is in the hospital for mental health reasons.”

“That's not how it was.” Eddie said, thinking back to the visit. Sure it hadn't turned out too well but he definitely wasn't the monster that everyone was saying that he was. “I just wanted to understand.”

“But you made it about you.” Hen told him, shaking her head. “Why didn't he reach out? Why didn't he feel like he could talk to you? Why didn't you respect what he wanted for once instead of just thinking about you? That kind of stuff is what he got from the conversation. It doesn't matter what you meant to do, what you actually did was just reinforce in Buck's mind that you are not someone he can confide in. Because how does he know you aren't going to turn around and use that against him.”

“I would never do that.” Eddie was horrified that she would even think that but judging by the look on her face, she seemed to believe it too. “I told you and Maddie, I just wanted to know how it got to this point.”

“Yea but you need to look at your own actions for that understanding and not put that burden on Buck.” Hen for the first time in a long time was really and truly frustrated, something that was very hard to do. “He already tried to help us understand and we blew him off. We have to be the ones to fix what we broke.”

“But what does that have to do with me?” Eddie wanted to know but was dreading the answer.

“You really want me to answer that?” Hen asked, looking at him steadily and when he nodded, she shrugged. “You're his best friend. And the most distance he felt was from you.”

“I don't....”

“You know it's true. You and Buck spend the most time together out of anyone else, you're practically joined at the hip. So when everything went down with the lawsuit and then his return, losing that relationship with you was traumatizing to him. You were the one he would go to when things got bad and he needed an escape. He loves you and your son and would die for you. He almost did, but for some reason even before the lawsuit, you seemed to forget that. You put distance between you and him and he isolated himself more and more because he couldn't reach out to the person he was closest to. You made sure to hold him at arm's length away or more every time you interacted. Is it really so hard to understand why he didn't want to talk to you?”

“You're wrong. I'm not like that.” Eddie shook his head, standing up. “I may not be open about my feelings, but I'm not that person you say I am. Yea things were weird after he came back, but I forgave him. I fucking forgave him.”

“Did you?” She asked, watching him with a raised eyebrow. “Or did you just tell yourself that so you didn't have to talk it through?”

“I think we're done here.” Eddie said, turning towards the stairs quickly and leaving her behind. He wasn't that person. He forgave Buck, he moved on from the lawsuit. He wasn't a friend who put the blame on someone who was suffering, he wasn't like that. He cared about Buck. They were best friends, Eddie told him that night that things would be better. He had meant it. He wasn't this terrible person the whole station thought he was.

Was he?

{**}-{**}

Buck sat on his bed later that night and looked around at the room he would be sleeping in for the last time. 

It was hard to believe that he was at the end of his stay, something that had felt like it would never end the first time he stepped through those doors. He knew it was only a few days but in some ways it had felt like a life time. So much had happened inside his head and then on the outside and he hardly could look at himself as the same person, but maybe that was the point. He came here broken and he was about to leave- well not exactly put together, but in a better place then he was. It was the best he could hope for considering how bad off he was. It wasn't like he expected it to be. He never ended up having a roommate and he shockingly was able to sleep every single night he was here. It hardly seemed like a possibility after months of insomnia and avoidance of sleep but he had been proven wrong. Just like he had been proven wrong about the therapy. 

Buck almost smiled, thinking back to the first few sessions and how much he had absolutely detested the idea of talking about what was going on with him. It was interesting because at one point in his life he had been open about his emotions and no one around him ever had to guess what he was feeling or thinking. And then lately things had changed and he was pulling back more and more and not talking as much so when he finally did open up, he felt like a wounded animal. It hadn't helped when he realized that his issues stemmed farther back then just with the lawsuit and his teammates. It went all the way back to his childhood and his parents and how he never truly dealt with the trauma he experienced and would have to do now if he hoped to move on from this dark period. He didn't like to think about having to bring up that subject to his therapist outside of the hospital, but the fear of having a repeat breakdown scared him so much that he vowed he would force himself to go to regular therapy whether he wanted to or not. He may not like visiting that pain again but he couldn't go through ignoring it anymore. Not if it meant ending right back here again on a psych hold.

Buck looked over to the chair in front of the table at the end of his bed where his bag sat, packed and ready to go when he left the next morning. He would have to wait to get his phone back as well as his shoelaces but he would get those at the desk at check out. It would be strange to have them back again and then just walking out of the hospital and getting in his jeep and driving home, almost as if nothing had happened. It would feel even stranger to be back in his apartment but he was ready to go home. Ok maybe not completely ready but he was prepared and had planned for what he needed to do and that was almost good enough.

Linda had given him permission to use the phone in her office today so he could get in touch with the chief of the 118. Even though Buck had left a message with him before he checked in to the hospital, stating that it was an emergency, he still felt guilty for just essentially dropping off the map with work. He had needed to explain his abrupt absence in more detail and he was lucky that the chief had been feeling sympathetic and understood why he had done what he did. He was also willing to give Buck a few days to get himself sorted before he came back to work and Buck took him up on that offer, knowing that he needed the buffer of a few days being out of the hospital before he faced everyone else. 

He had also given Maddie a call, the first since he had seen her a few days ago and really the first since he had called her the night he almost jumped off the bridge. She was thrilled to hear from him and when he mentioned to her that he would be checking out the next morning, she was almost beside herself. He knew she had been worried and felt so much guilt for not being there for him, but the one thing he knew about his sister was that when she made a mistake she owned up to that mistake and worked her hardest to fix the damage she had done. Buck knew that they would be ok; maybe not right away but they would get there. Maddie was determined that things would not be like they were and Buck was willing to follow her lead. He agreed to letting her come over to the apartment so they could spend time together and talk. They had a lot to talk about and luckily now they would have the time for it.

Buck didn't know what was going to happen once he returned to work though and he tried not to think too hard about it. He would have to face it sooner or later and he would but right now he wanted to take one thing at a time before he looked ahead to his return to the 118. It wasn't going to be easy. He hadn't talk to the others and he certainly hadn't talked to Eddie, the idea of facing his best friend again was enough to make him cringe. They too would have to talk and Buck was hoping that it would turn out differently than it had the last time. He didn't know what he would do if it didn't.

Buck felt himself yawn loudly and laid down, flicking the light switch so the room was bathed in darkness and he closed his eyes. He tried to picture what his life was going to look like now and while he didn't exactly know what that involved, he had a distinct feeling that he would be ok. Maybe he could be better than ok, but for now he would settle for ok. He felt a smile on his face as he waited to drift off to sleep.

{**}-{**}

Maddie was pulling back the blankets and sheets on her bed, ready to collapse and hopefully fall asleep right away when her cell started ringing on the nightstand. She groaned, glancing at the unknown number and realizing it was probably just a telemarketer. She still got those calls sometimes even though she was on a list. But then she remembered that she hadn't recognized the number earlier today when Buck called and she immediately grabbed her phone and pressed accept.

“Hello?” She said sitting down with the phone propped up between her shoulders and cheek. “Buck is that you?”

There was no response and she almost thought they had hung up as soon as she picked up. But there was no dial tone so someone was still on the line even when there was no noise in the background on their end. If it was Buck or the hospital, then there would have been someone talking already.

“Hello.” Maddie's tone went sharp, already feeling annoyed at this person. Why did these telemarketers call and then just not say anything? It was bad enough when they tried to keep you on the phone and wouldn't shut up but to call and stay silent was just annoying. “You're being very rude, whoever you are.”

There was a rumble on the other end, like the person was grumbling under their breath to the point where it was almost a growl. They still didn't say anything, but they didn't hang up either.

“Screw you.” Maddie said and immediately hit end and tossed her phone on the nightstand just as Chim came out of the bathroom from the shower, shooting her a look of concern when the phone landed heavily.

“What was that about?” He asked, rubbing a towel over his hair. “Was it the hospital?”

“No it was just a telemarketer, I think. Or a wrong call.” She rolled her eyes, leaning back against the pillows with her hands folded over her stomach. “ When did it become a thing to call someone and then just stay on the line and not say anything?”

“I don't know but you should make sure you're on that do not call list. Some times you get taken off by accident.” He pointed out, leaning over to kiss her briefly before tossing the towel over the back of a nearby chair. “I'm going to get a snack, you want something?”

“No thanks I'm good.” She smiled, watching his leave the room and once she was alone her face went blank. Chim thought the call was nothing serious, hell she thought it had been just a wrong call or a sales person. And had it been earlier she might have let it go and not thought twice about it. But something in her chest was telling her that this wasn't just some random call. Sure she could call back but if her gut feeling was right, she could just be opening the door to a whole mess of trouble that she did not want to deal with and she wasn't prepared to deal with. Maybe this wouldn't turn into anything. Maybe it would just go away. Maybe she wouldn't have to entertain the possibility of life getting just this much harder for everyone. Just once she would like for all of them to get a breather from the craziness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooo things are getting interesting now aren't they? Thanks for the love for this fic and all the messages and comments I have received here and on tumblr. I hope I keep on entertaining you guys with this story.
> 
> Next update, Chapter 10 will be the final chapter before the hiatus. So think of it as the midseason finale. And that means things can happen. Good and bad.


	10. Made it out alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me this long to get this chapter out but it is finally here and I hope I did it justice.

“Home sweet home.” Buck said out loud to the open empty space of his apartment as the door fell shut behind him, the noise echoing off the walls before going silent again. 

Buck took a few steps over to the kitchen table and dropped his keys and his bag on the wooden surface and looked around. Nothing was out of place, it was exactly as he had left it a few days ago but it felt so different to be standing here now. It felt as though so much time had passed and he somehow expected that to be reflected in his home when he finally returned and it wasn't. There was nothing left on the counters, no dirty dishes in the sink, no shoes left near the closet near the front door. Everything looked normal but he was the one who felt out of place. He sighed and scratched the back of his head before making his way into the living room and dropping down on the couch and closing his eyes.

He knew it was going to feel weird being back. He had prepared himself for this moment. Even as he left the hospital and got into his jeep for the first time in days, he kept telling himself that it was going to take time to get use to being back home, even though it had only been a short time away. He had dealt with a lot of stuff while he was gone and he was still going to be dealing with stuff so it was to be expected that things would feel a little off when he stepped back into his apartment. He felt like a different version of himself and the old him wasn't here anymore. It was going to be like moving in for the first time. It would feel weird and he would be unsettled, but things would calm down eventually and he would be ok. He was determined that things were going to be different this time, no matter how awkward and uncomfortable the future was. He couldn't fall back to how he dealt with things before his time in the hospital, or rather how he didn't deal.

He had to choose another way. He had to face things and not put up with the things that hurt him anymore He had more worth then he had believed and he was going to make sure he reminded himself of that every day. Especially when he went back to work.

Buck sighed heavily. He hadn't even thought about work when he was in the hospital, at least not in terms of going back after he was released. Even when he was driving home, it hadn't entered his mind. But now sitting here in his living room in his quiet apartment, the memories of the 118 and his fire family came flooding into his head. He hadn't asked Maddie for details about how they were taking his absence and in the hospital, he was glad not to know. They hadn't noticed how badly he was doing and he didn't care to find out what was going on with them. They weren't bad people and they were allowed to make mistakes and in his heart, Buck knew that. But hurt didn't go away just because they saw the error in their behaviors. They probably were sorry and were lining up to talk to him and he appreciated that, but it wasn't just going to be solved with a simple apology and a few nice words. It was going to take more uncomfortable conversations and there would be moments when they lashed out at each other. Buck was prepared for that, he knew it wasn't going to be a smooth road and he was ready to face it. But now he knew the difference with healthy disagreement and anger and even though he still wasn't comfortable with showing anger, he was in a better place with it now then he had been just a few days ago. And just like everything else, it was going to take time to get use to. It would truly be tested when he finally came face to face with someone from the 118.

_Knock Knock._

Buck's head whipped in the direction of the door, his heart hammering in his chest as he forced himself to stand up to answer it. He reached the kitchen and paused, wondering if he should just stay quiet and not open the door. No one knew he was here and even though it was likely one of his neighbors, he didn't really want to deal with answering questions about where he had been and why. They meant well but it was his first day back and he just wanted to settle back in without having to entertain his well-intentioned but nosy neighbors. The knock came again and this time he didn't stop moving until he was at the door and reaching for the knob. Maybe it was better to just get this over with. 

“Maddie?” Buck was actually surprised to see his sister standing there in front of him, her hands grasping two tote bags that were filled to the brim with what looked like groceries as she looked at him with a determined yet happy expression on her face. He grabbed one of the bags and waved her in. “What are you doing here? And why did you go shopping for me? I was going to do that later.”

“It's your first day out of the hospital. I thought I'd come by and see you.” She told him, putting the bags on the counter and whipping around with a flourish. “And it's not really groceries. It's just supplies for your welcome home meal.”

“This is for one meal?” He said, walking over to hug his sister and looking over her shoulder at the bags behind her. Maddie never did things half way. When she got an idea into her head, she went all in. She was very enthusiastic in that way. “You're insane.”

“Hey.” She said, pretending to sound offended and swatted at his arm. “I'm here cooking you your favorite dish and this is how you thank me?”

“Ok ok you have a point.” Buck threw up his hands in mock surrender and stepped back with a grin. “But you really didn't have to do this.”

“Of course I did.” She insisted, shaking a finger at him before turning back to the bags to begin unpacking them. “I wanted to welcome you home.”

“Just showing up with a pizza would have been just as good.” Buck told her, sitting on a nearby chair and looking at his sister. He knew there was no talking her out of this; if she wanted to cook him an elaborate meal then she would do it and nothing he said was going to stop her. She would pull every big sister card she had to shut him up and the thought of poking at his stubborn sister in that way made him almost laugh. “Seriously Mads, this is too much.”

“Evan Buckley, I am your sister. You just got out of the hospital and this is the first meal you will be having with me after a crazy few months.” She said, turning around with a handful of parsley in one hand and a pack of pancetta in the other. “I want to do this., So don't you dare try to stop me.”

“Fine.” Buck gave up the fight, knowing there was no way he would ever win. Maddie was tough on a normal day but pregnant Maddie was more stubborn than usual was a whole different force to be reckoned with. “If you insist...”

“I do insist.” She said, reaching back into the bag to pull out more supplies before saying quietly. “Just let me do this for you.”

“Sure.” Buck pressed his lips together tightly, feeling something swell in his chest. He knew why she was really doing this, it was to make up for all the previous times when she didn't have time to be there with him. She didn't need to make up for anything, at least not by going overboard. Buck was fine with them talking things out and addressing their issues that way. But if his sister needed to do more than just talk to ease what ever guilt she carried inside her, was Buck really in any position to deny her that? If that was what was going to make her feel better, then he should just let her. He looked at her again, even with her back turned towards the counter. “Thanks Maddie.”

“You're welcome. Now get your ass over here and help me chop stuff.”

{**}-{**}

“Damn it.” Eddie hissed out loud as he sat down at the table in the loft of the 118 and practically threw his phone on the floor in annoyance. It was the middle of a shift and they had been kept busy all morning and this was the first time since they came in that they had a moment to just sit and take a breather. That however wasn't the reason for Eddie's bad mood, although everyone seemed to think it was since he had been in a funk since the moment he walked in to the station and they were doing their best to leave him alone. The truth was that when he woke up this morning, he had been hit with the knowledge that Buck was getting out of the hospital today and would be heading home finally. He immediately had tried calling his friend's phone before he had even climbed out of bed. Buck hadn't picked up. He didn't pick up when Eddie called on the way to work either. Even the text messages went unanswered, although they did show as having been read. So Buck hadn't blocked his number but he wasn't responding to any kind of contact. At least not from Eddie. It was why he was sitting here alone at the table, gripping his phone and on the verge of throwing it across the room. Why wouldn't Buck respond? Even just to tell Eddie to leave him alone? Eddie glanced at his phone again and seeing that there was still no response, he finally throw it on the table. “Fucking hell.”

“Ok what has got your panties in a bunch today?” Chim was coming up the stairs alone, looking like he was debating whether to turn back around right and return to the ground floor but he kept moving until he reached the kitchen in search of something to eat. “You ok?”

“I'm fine.” Eddie muttered, knowing he sounded anything but fine. He wasn't very good at hiding his frustration and annoyance and there was never more of a time when he wished he could hide it than now. “Nothing's wrong.”

“Yea you sound convincing. I guess that is why you haven't been practically biting everyone's head off today.” Chim said , coming over to the table with a bottle of water and some leftover salad. “Seriously what is going on?”

“I told you its nothing.” Eddie sighed, crossing his arms. It's not that he didn't want to talk to Chim about what was going on, he just didn't want to talk to anyone. At best they wouldn't understand, at worst, they would give him grief because of him ambushing Buck in the hospital and then say he had no right to be upset that Buck wasn't responding. And he wasn't in the mood to deal with it being thrown in his face. “I didn't sleep well last night.”

“You used that excuse the other day.” Chim pointed out casually but the look in his eyes was the complete opposite. 

“You can not sleep well on more than just one day, you know.” Eddie felt his eyes narrow and he clenched his hands so it would remind him not to lash out. The last thing he needed was to give everyone another reason to tip toe around him. “I don't know why everyone thinks something else is going on.”

“Because it's obviously not just a sleeping problem. We have seen each other at our most exhaustive state and this is not it.” Chim replied, shoving a bite of salad in his mouth and chewing a bite before swallowing. “It's something else.”

“Yea? Like what?” Eddie asked in a challenge, daring his coworker to just say it.

“It's Buck.” Chim said simply and Eddie could feel himself deflate at the mere mention of his best friend's name.

Of course that was obvious to everyone around him that Buck was at the fore front of his mind, the two of them were attached at the hip. Or they use to be at least. Even now Eddie found it hard to disguise when he was thinking about his best friend. Apparently he had a tell that everyone knew about besides him. It was kind of aggravating when he just wanted to stew in his feelings about this mess he was in but the people around him knew what he was obsessing about. Chim was looking at him smugly and it was all Eddie could do to keep his expression neutral.

“So what if it is?” Eddie said, pressing his lips together tightly. “Are you going to give me grief about it?”

“No I'm going to give you grief about your crappy attitude.” Chim threw back, looking annoyed as he pushed his plate away. “And not just for today, for like the past few days.”

“It's not my fault.” Eddie could hear the whine in his voice but he didn't care. “You don't get it.”

“Try me.” Chim moved his chair closer to Eddie's, trying to look open minded. “I'll listen if you want to talk.”

“Buck got out of the hospital today..” Eddie began, glancing at his phone and being unable to stop himself from pressing the home button to see if he had any missed notifications. There was nothing. “I've been trying to get in touch with him but he's not responding.”

“Yea, Maddie is over there now. They're spending some time together, I expect that they will probably have a deeper conversation today then they did when she went to the hospital.” Chim explained, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “So that's why you are being so charming? Because he won't answer your texts or calls?”

“I just want to talk to him.” Eddie frowned, wondering why everyone was still having such a hard time grasping this concept. “Why is that so wrong?”

“No one is saying it is wrong.” Chim held up a hand. “But it is wrong how you are going about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You're pushing too hard. You need to let him breathe.” Chim dropped his hand down to the table, looking serious all of a sudden. “We all want to talk to Buck, but he's not ready to see anyone besides Maddie. When he does feel ready, he will reach out. You can't force this.”

“I'm not trying to make things worse. I just want to make it up to him for not being there.” Eddie exclaimed, wanting desperately for Chim to understand. “That night he called me when he was about to.... I told him that things would be better in time. I'm just trying to do better. But everyone won't stop telling me to back off.”

“Because it's not about you. I don't know how many time you need to hear that but apparently the previous times didn't stick.” Chim looked annoyed now,something that he didn't often look at work or really at any time. It took a lot to get him to this point. “Buck will talk to you when he is ready. If you push him and especially with this attitude, then you will lose him.”

“Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?”

“No.” Chim said simply. “Buck had a serious meltdown after being treated like crap for months. I want to make up with him as much as you do. But I will not push him into talking if he is not ready. You need to take this seriously and not think it will all go away once you guys talk.”

“I don't think that.”

“Well that is the vibe you are giving off. I don't know what it will take to get through to you, but you better figure it out. Buck needs us to be better this time. And you're his best friend. He needs that from you the most.”

{**}-{**}

“Ok maybe we went a little overboard with that meal.” Maddie said to him later that afternoon as they stood in the middle of the kitchen and looked at the stack of Tupperware that held the remaining portions of the penne vodka that she had made. “This is like another 3 meals worth of food.”

“Hey you were the one who insisted on making it.” Buck said with a laugh, reaching for the first container to put away. “You need to take one of these home. There is no way I can eat all this within a few days.”

“Chim will appreciate it.” Maddie smiled, moving around him to put away the other portions. “And he won't give me a hard time for it.”

“I wasn't giving you a hard time.” Buck told her with a teasing smile, closing the refrigerator with his shoulder. “But you did forget that the recipe was for like 8 people.”

“Ok fine you made your point.” Maddie rolled her eyes and swatted a towel at him as she passed on her way to the island where her tea was sitting. She sat down with a happy sigh and clasped her hands around the mug. “I remember now that it was grandma's recipe, she always cooked for a crowd.”

“I eat a lot, but not that much.” Buck shook his head and went to take a seat next to his sister, feeling full of food and a sense of being settled for once. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this way. It was nice, especially after the year he had had. “This was great, thank you.”

“You're welcome.” Maddie took a sip of tea with a small smile. “I'm just glad to see you looking a bit like your old self.”

“Oh that can mean so many different things.” Buck thought back to the different versions of himself that had existed and fought the urge to cringe at some of them. He wasn't exactly ashamed of who he had been but he also wasn't proud of his behavior. He didn't like that he had been so immature and almost out of control not so long ago, but he was comforted by the fact that he knew he had changed and wasn't that person anymore. He was better, not perfect; but better. Hopefully he could keep going and now with Maddie back on his side, he had an anchor and a lifeline. “But I do feel better.”

“That's good. I was worried after finding out what happened that we wouldn't get you back.” She admitted, her forehead wrinkling in a frown. Maddie was never good at hiding how she felt and right now was no different. “In a way you being at the hospital was good for me too. It made me do some thinking.”

“Oh boy.” Buck said, biting down on his lip. “Should I be worried about getting a talking to by my big sister?”

“I'm serious. I know I made mistakes and I couldn't see it at the time. And when I finally did, it was almost too late.” Maddie sighed and looked down at her folded hands. Buck wanted to reach out to her but he didn't. Because if he was being honest, and he certainly was trying to be honest especially about his emotions, then she was right. She had made mistakes and it had almost been too late. He had always been willing to give her a pass because she was his sister and she was pregnant, but that shouldn't have been a deterrent to being there for him. Because it wasn't like she hadn't been there when he needed a ride somewhere or needed help with something. He took responsibility for his actions that night, that was on him. But Maddie was in the wrong as well. She hadn't been there when he had been at his lowest and she couldn't get a pass on that. He loved his sister but he had needed her and she had let him down and he was just beginning to realize how he felt about that. Maddie looked up at him. “I'm sorry. I should have been there.”

“I know you're sorry.” Buck couldn't help but say. It was just his first instinct to try and make the other person feel better because he knew all too well how it felt to be on the other side and not be comforted. But he also knew that was part of his problem. He was always putting everyone else before himself and he had to learn that it was ok and healthy to think of himself first. “But you were right. You weren't there and you should have been. I know you had other things on your mind and you were distracted...”

“Don't do that.” Maddie cut in with a stern look in her eyes. “Don't let me off the hook. Let me own this.”

“Ok.” Buck said reluctantly, sitting back with a sigh. “I'm your brother. I needed you that night and you blew me off.”

“You're right, I did do that.” Maddie nodding, not looking at all like she was going to disagree with him and Buck didn't know how much he needed that kind of reaction until now. “There is no excuse. I should have seen you were in trouble and I didn't.”

“No you didn't.” Buck agreed, feeling a little bit of weigh ease off of him. Is this what being honest felt like? “It doesn't make you a bad person for being distracted but it does make you hurtful for not seeing that I was trying to reach out. And it still kind of breaks my heart that if my own sister couldn't see through my facade, then how could anyone else?”

“I hate hearing that I hurt you so bad, but again, you were right. I messed up and I can't take that back.” Maddie's voice wobbled a bit but she quickly pushed it down and her tone went steady. “I can only try to do differently now that I see how I hurt you.”

“I don't want you to think it is all on you. I didn't say it plainly enough at the time that I was hurting so bad and that is on me not you. I should have just come right out and said it but I didn't know how.” Buck had spent plenty of time thinking about this when he had been in the hospital. Sure the people around him had made mistakes and that had contributed to what had almost happened, but he himself had also messed up. He had been spiraling for so long and so deeply, that he had to have known on a deeper level where this was leading. But he had ignored the signs and allowed himself to be distracted, just like Maddie had been. So he had some responsibility in his own downfall and he would own that. It was the only way he was going to make it through this. By seeing the flaws in his own behavior and forcing himself to change. “I can't change what I did and didn't do in the past. But now I hope that I can. I know I can.”

“ I know you can too.” Maddie smiled and reached out with one hand to hook her pinky finger with his. “And I swear that I will never leave you alone like I did. I want you around for a long time.”

“I want that too.” Buck squeezed her finger back and shot her a smile. “It will get better. I feel ready to face things, maybe I'm not completely certain, but I want my life back and I will do what I have to to get there. Even if it means confronting a lot of uncomfortable situations.”

“Well I'm proud of you.”

“I'm proud of me too.”

{**}-{**}

Maddie felt her phone buzzing in her jacket pocket as she pulled into the parking lot of her apartment complex and parked in her assigned spot and turned off the car. Her mind was still on Buck as she sat there thinking about the few hours they had just shared and she felt herself smile. He may have just gotten out of the hospital and who really knew how things had gone while he was there, but she could see that something had changed in him. He was lighter, more at peace, happier. It also made it very obvious just how bad things had been for her to notice his change in mood and she wanted to kick her own ass once more for not seeing it before now. She knew blaming herself wouldn't be helpful in the long run. Buck wouldn't want her to do that; he would prefer they talk things out since keeping things locked away hadn't done him any favors. So she would have to follow his lead. If Buck thought they could get back on track after all this, then she would do what she had to do to make sure she met him half way. She hadn't done her part before and she was making a vow to herself now to try harder. She wouldn't let him down.

Her phone buzzed again, startling her out of her head and she reached in her pocket to pull it out and press accept. “Hello?”

“Madeline....” The voice on the other end said and with just that one word sent a cold wave of fear washing over her and sent her heart falling down into her stomach. “Do not hang up....”

Maddie did just that without even thinking about it , ending the call and almost throwing her phone on the floor of the passenger side of her car as she tried to calm her heart long enough to remember where she was and that she was ok. It was ok, it was fine. It would be ok. She stared at the phone, waiting for it to ring but it didn't. She still stared though as if waiting for the object to strike. That voice she hadn't heard in years but still recognized had found her phone number. She suspected it had been them when she got that call and no one had spoken. Of course they would be trying again. 

“Fuck.” Maddie said out loud, slamming her hand against the steering wheel before her thoughts went to Buck. Had they called him? Did he know she was trying to make contact after all this time? No, if she was calling him then Buck would have said something and he hadn't. So maybe they were just trying with her. She didn't relish that thought but she would rather they bother her and not her brother. Just because they hadn't made contact with Buck yet didn't mean they wouldn't at some point. Should she tell him? Give him a heads up? She probably should. Buck had just gotten out of the hospital, he didn't need to be dealing with this but if they called him next, then he should be prepared.

Maddie reached over and grabbed her phone. She would call Buck tonight and tell him. Until then, she just wanted him to relax at least for a few hours before she dropped this bomb on him.

{**}-{**}

“Finally that's done.” Buck said out loud to himself as he sent off the email to his chief and pushed back from the table where his laptop sat with a relieved and pleased sigh. He stretched out his legs under the dining room table and closed his eyes, his arms crossed over him and a smile on his face.

Once Maddie had left, Buck had jumped right into putting things in order around his apartment, not that there was much to put in order considering he hadn't been here in days and even when he had been, he was never messy. But he felt this itch under his skin to do some kind of deep physical cleaning. He had spent days cleaning things up in his own head, now he needed to do it on the outside. He had to get his life back together and it seemed there was no better place to start than right here where he had spent so much time alone with his own thoughts.

First thing he had to do was not something he could put off no matter how much he wanted to. He had to email the chief and explain the situation he had been in and how he was in a better place and was ready to come back. Buck didn't relish the idea of spilling his personal problems to his superior, but he had just left with barely an explanation and he felt some kind detail was due as penance. So he had sat down and typed out a brief but sincere email about his situation, making sure to stay professional but open enough so that the department could see that he knew he had needed help, had gotten it and was ready to come back to work. He only read it over once before he had sent it, not wanted to dwell on his own words for too long. That had been one of his problems in the first place. So even though he wanted to reread it and rewrite it, he hadn't. He had to stop the spiral and distract himself. So he had.

While waiting for a response back, Buck had thrown himself completely into cleaning his whole apartment. And it wasn't just regular cleaning like he normally did like with vacuuming and mopping and cleaning the windows, which he still did now. No, he went full out to the point of cleaning the grout lines in his shower with an old toothbrush and scrubbing the staircase steps with an actual scrub brush. Maybe it was overkill and unnecessary but it made Buck feel good to clean so thoroughly. In a way it was like cleaning away the old parts of him to make way for the new Buck to settle in. He washed all his sheets and blankets and pillowcases and all the clothes he had thrown in the bottom of his closet. He went to the store a few blocks away to restock his refrigerator. He put away all the dishes from his meal with Maddie. He checked his computer and saw there was a response from the chief and he nearly knocked over his glass of water in his haste to read it.

Buck had been surprised, even pleasantly so. The chief had written back with such an understanding and genuine tone that for half a second he had wondered if he had fallen asleep or hallucinated it all. But he blinked and the email was still there, still real. He read it again. Although the chief was still unhappy about his abrupt disappearance, she had also written that she understood why he had left so suddenly and even expressed she was glad he had gotten the help when he had; that it showed good judgment that he knew when he was close to his breaking point and was responsible enough to step back and heal. She did recommend that he take a few more days before he returned to work; reminding him that he just came home from the hospital this morning and it would be best if he had some more time to settle back into his normal environment before he resumed his regular work routine. Buck hadn't argued with that and had written back in agreement that he would take the additional time and would return next week if that was acceptable. The chief had agreed and Buck was sitting here now with a smile on his face, finally feeling like things were falling into place.

He knew it wasn't going to be a smooth ride. He knew that the real test was going to be when he stepped foot back into the 118 and faced all his coworkers for the first time since he had told them what he had almost done. That was going to be the toughest part of this whole thing. They spent so much time together that they were just naturally huge parts of each others lives and his absence these past few days was a hole in their dynamic. He felt, he knew they probably did as well. He was already mentally preparing himself for their reactions and the upcoming apologies that he knew were in the works. These were good people despite how they had treated him and when they knew they did wrong, they would want to fix their mistakes and make amends. Before he may not have been ready to accept their attempts. But now? Well he may not be completely ready, but he wanted his life back and a better life then he had had these past few months. The only way to do that was to face his past head on.

And he planned to do just that.

{**}-{**}

Eddie knew something was wrong the moment he picked Chris up later that day but he had been so caught up with the mess in his head that he hadn't thought to really address it until now when he noticed just how quiet it was in the car. Chris usually kept up a steady stream of conversation the entire time they were driving to wherever their destination was and the subjects always varied from school to friends to Lego projects and everything in between. But today Chris had gotten settled in his seat and had barely said a word and they were already 20 minutes into their drive. Maybe he was having an off day or something had gone wrong at school. But there had been no note from his teachers and nothing from Carla from the time she had him, even though she had mentioned that the boy had seemed quieter then usual as well. He hadn't thought about it too much until it hit him just how much time had passed and Chris wasn't halfway to talking his ear off and the quiet was feeling especially heavy. Eddie glanced in his mirror into the backseat to see Chris leaning his head against the windows, his glasses askew as he looked out at the passing scenery but not really taking it in. Eddie frowned. What was going on with his kid? Had he missed something big?

“Hey bud, you ok?” Eddie found himself asking when they were at a red light and he took the moment to glance over his shoulder at his son, who didn't even look at him when he spoke. “You doing alright?”

“Yea.” Was all the response he got from Chris, who still kept on looking out the window, his small hand curled into a fist under his chin. “I'm tired.”

“You woke up just fine this morning. You didn't even fight me on breakfast or getting dressed.” Eddie said this and should have known right then and there that it was a red flag. When Chris was tired, even a little bit, he didn't fight for the usual things he wanted like homemade waffles and he would just go and brush his teeth and get dressed without his usual stubbornness coming out to make them late. If Chris was really ok, then he would have been fighting Eddie over everything that morning but he hadn't. He had been too tired to put in the effort. That sent off a warning bell in Eddie's head as well as a heavy weight in his stomach. “Did you sleep ok...”

“I had a nightmare.” Chris said simply as Eddie started driving again and the reply had him gripping the steering wheel tightly. Chris had a nightmare? And he hadn't known? How was that possible? Chris jostled around in his seat before saying. “I couldn't fall back asleep.”

“You were awake all night?” Eddie was stunned. It wasn't very often that Chris didn't sleep through the night. And even when he did have nightmares, he usually called out for Eddie or made his way to Eddie's room to fall asleep. But he hadn't this time. “Why didn't you wake me up?”

“I didn't want to bother you.” 

“Chris...” Eddie felt his stomach clenched and he almost wanted to cry. He spotted a grocery store coming up on the right and quickly pulled into the parking lot. He shouldn't be driving when clearly there was a serious conversation to be had. Once he had parked the car, he unbuckled himself and turned in his seat so he was facing his son, trying not to show how badly the kid's words had affected him. “Why would you think you would be bothering me? That's never happened before.”

“It's different now.” Chris muttered, leaning away from the window but keeping his head down and staring into his lap. “You might get mad.”

“Hey there is nothing to get mad at for having a nightmare.” Eddie told him, reaching out to touch Chris's arm gently. “Even if it happens every night. I wouldn't get mad.”

“Not even if I was sad?” Chris looked up now, his eyes big and curious behind his glasses. “I was sad in my nightmare and I was sad when I woke up. I didn't want you to be mad at me so I stayed in my bed.”

“Hey I wouldn't be mad at you for having a nightmare or for being sad after it. There is nothing wrong with being sad. It happens some times.” Eddie tried to be reassuring but he himself needed some of that himself. He was confused and yet feeling like he was staring right at the answer but still couldn't figure out what the problem had been. “You know you can talk to me about anything right?”

“Yea.” Chris shrugged at glanced off to the side, clearly not believing his own answer.

“What brought this on?” Eddie asked, tapping his arm to get his son's attention back on him. “Why happened to make you think you had to hide your nightmare from me?”

“Buck.”

“What?” Eddie sat back in shock, not expecting that to be the reason. He had wondered when it would be that Chris would bring up Buck again as he hadn't done it in a few weeks and it never occurred to Eddie that it may have been weird since Chris always talked non stop about Buck in the past. Eddie had been forced to explain to his kid why Buck wasn't available to talk to him the past week, but he couldn't go into detail. Chris did not need to know the real reason Buck had been in the hospital and he had instead just said that Buck was sick and needed the doctors to help him not be sad anymore. Chris had seemed to accept this explanation without question and Eddie had thought it was the end of it. But now he wondered with the mention of his friend now, if Buck had always been on Chris's mind and he just hadn't noticed. “What about Buck?”

“He got sad.” Chris replied, turning his head to meet his eyes cautiously. “He was sad and you got mad at him. I didn't want you to be mad at me.”

“Oh Chris.” Eddie was beyond horrified at his actions and he wanted to just throw himself out of the car at that moment. How had he allowed his behavior to bleed over to this part of his life to the point that even his son had seen through his bullshit and saw what was really going on? Of course Chris picked up on it; he always had been very intuitive, even more so when it came to Buck. It was after all because of Chris that Buck was still here because the kid had asked to call him in the middle of the night a few weeks back. Of course Chris would see how he reacted to the Buck situation and draw his own conclusion that being sad was somehow a bad thing that would only invite anger and negativity from his father and Eddie was never more ashamed then he was right now. “I wasn't mad at Buck for being sad. I wasn't mad at him at all.”

“But when Bucky went to the hospital, you always looked like you were mad.” Chris frowned, the expression out of place on his young face. “You got mad at him. Why?”

“Chris I wasn't mad at Buck for being sad or for needing to go to the hospital. I was scared.” Eddie took a deep breath, knowing he would have to be honest with his son no matter how uncomfortable it made him. “Some times when people get scared for someone, they show that by being angry because they weren't there to help that person when they needed them.”

“You weren't there for Buck?” Chris tilted his head in confusion.

“No I wasn't and I should have been.” Eddie shook his head, hating that it was only now in front of his 9 year old that he was finally beginning to realize how stupid he had been. Not just before everything happened, but also during it. He was such a fucking idiot. “I wasn't a good friend to Buck because I was only thinking about what I needed to do to fix things. I should have been asking him what he wanted.”

“You can still do that now.” Chris said, sitting up straight. “Bucky needs us. We can help him.”

“I wish it were that easy kid.” Eddie shot a smile at his son, wishing he had that youthful enthusiasm and unshakable belief that things would be ok. “But your dad messed up big time. And Buck may not be ready to be my friend again.”

“Yes he will.” Chris replied stubborn, crossing his arms. “You just have to say you are sorry and you know what you did. And then listen to him. Isn't that how it works?”

“That's the way it should work.” Eddie agreed, remembering past conversations he had with Chris about the nature of forgiveness and recognizing right and wrong and how to do things. He should have been staring in a mirror and giving himself those talks. “But your dad is a big idiot.”

“That's ok. You don't have to be anymore.”

“I hope you're right kid.”

{**}-{**}

“Oh thank god for leftovers.” Buck said to himself as he pulled the container of pasta from earlier today out of the microwave and set it on the counter to cool while he went to pour himself a drink. 

He was tired down to his very core after the day he had. It wasn't that it was physically taxing, it was just emotionally exhausting from trying to put things together to get ready to return to his old life. From talking with Maddie when he got home to working things out with the chief to cleaning his whole apartment to get rid of any remainders of his old life; he was ready to just eat and go to bed. He was now even more grateful for all the extra food Maddie had made earlier. He thought he would cook himself dinner tonight to have some resemblance of his old life but that had been this morning as he was getting ready to come home and had no idea of how tired he would be now that it was night time. He could have just said eff it and gone straight to bed without eating. But he was determined to live a healthy life and making sure his body was fed and rested was just as important as keeping his head healthy. And he didn't want to slack off on the first night he was home. So he had popped the extra pasta in the microwave to heat up so he wouldn't have to bother cooking a whole new meal and this way he could be finished in less than 15 minutes and collapse in bed, blissed out of his mind. Well maybe that was a stretch, but it was nice to think about.

Buck's phone buzzed on the counter beside the sink and he set down the pitcher of water beside the glass he had pulled out to pick it up and press accept without even glancing at the screen. “Hello?”

“Evan..” That voice, a shock of ice shot right through his veins when he heard it and he found himself gripping the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles turned white. This couldn't be happening. Why was he calling now? After years of no contact of any kind, he was reaching out now. Why? Buck wanted to scream. He had just gotten out of the hospital this morning. He was just trying to figure out how his life was going to get back on track. And now this? Buck's hand tightened on his phone as the voice spoke again. “What? Not going to say anything to your own father?”

Buck hung up just as a knock sounded at the door and for just a second, Buck felt like all the blood had drained out of his body. No, it couldn't be him. His father wouldn't call if he was right outside the door would he? Buck inched closer so he could peek through the peep hole. The knock had been far too gentle for someone like his father, but he still had to be sure. Buck squinted and pressed his eye to the small hole before almost standing back in shock. It wasn't his father, it wasn't his mother. It wasn't even Maddie. It was Eddie. Eddie? Buck reached for the door handle before he could even think to stop himself.

“Hey.” Eddie said with a small smile when the door opened and Buck stood there wide eyed and unsure in the door way as his former best friend clasped his hands together nervously. “I probably shouldn't be here. I know you just came home today and most likely need more time and if you want me to go away right now then I will respect that and not fight you on it.”

“Really?” Buck narrowed his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart from the phone call by focusing on Eddie. There was something different about the man,a lightness that hadn't been there the last time they stood face to face. What had changed? Buck would be lying if he said he wasn't curious. “Why are you here?”

“I told you that night a few weeks ago that things would get better with us, that it would just take time. And I still mean that.” Eddie said, looking up at him but keeping his distance and staying in hallway even though Buck could tell he wanted to step closer. “But I know now I went about it the wrong way when I came to see you in the hospital. I wasn't thinking about what you needed. I was only focusing on what I was needing to be doing. And I shouldn't have.”

“No you shouldn’t have.” Buck agreed, crossing his arms.

“I just wanted you to know that I know I messed up and I will do whatever you need to help get us back to where we use to be. I will follow your lead from now on. I just wanted you to know that I finally get it now.” Eddie told him, sticking his hands in his pockets and glancing off to the side like he was thinking of walking off but he looked back again. “I probably shouldn’t ask this but...”

“Do you want to come in and talk?” Buck finished for him, practically reading his mind as the thought flashed through his eyes and Eddie seemed surprised that suggestion came from Buck of all people. Buck stepped to the side and motioned behind him “You can keep me company as I eat.”

“I would like that.” Eddie smiled and then walked past him without another word and Buck shut the door, hoping he would not regret this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. The midseason finale chapter of Whirlwind inside my Head.... The hiatus won't be long, just long enough for me to outline the second half of this fic and start writing it. 
> 
> I also want to spend a little time focusing on the fics I have neglected while I was writing this fic and the previous one in this series. I hope to make enough progress on the other works that I don't feel guilty when I come back to this one. thanks for sticking with me. I hope you will still be here when I return.


	11. So what now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I owe you guys a massive apology for the extreme delay in getting this chapter out. It was never meant to take thing long but life got in the way and my mental health took a nosedive for a while so I had to focus on getting my head on straight again before I could come back. But things are starting to look up and I finally have the motivation to write again. So thank you to everyone who stuck with this fic and for all the lovely messages on tumblr saying how much they loved this story and couldn't wait for an update. Well here it is. Enjoy !!

“So... this is awkward.” Buck managed to say, desperate for anything to break the silence that he just went with pointing out the obvious. He thought that once he invited Eddie in, then things would flow easier between them. After all, Eddie had seemed to have finally gotten to the root of the problems with them, so it should have been simple to have a conversation with him. They use to be best friends at one point, they could get back to that. Couldn't they? Buck stared across the kitchen island at Eddie who was sitting on one of the stools looking at anything besides him. That should have been expected, Eddie was never very good at dealing with emotional talk. But for some reason Buck thought that it would be different this time. Maybe he needed to be the one to get things going. “I thought we would be better than this.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked, finally looking up with a frown as he fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt. “Better than what?”

“Better than the awkward weird strangers we have become to each other.” Buck pointed out, trying to offer a smile but it just came out forced. The pasta he had been intending to eat was forgotten on the counter behind him and if he was being honest, he wasn't really hungry anymore. This night had taken a turn and had also taken his appetite with it and it wasn't just because of Eddie but Buck didn't to think about the call from his father so he focused on his attention on the man in front of him. This was all he had the strength to deal with right now. “I didn't think it would feel like this.”

“Yea..” Eddie scratched the back of his head with one hand, pressing his lips together into a thin line. “I'm not good at this kind of stuff.”

“I know.” Buck nodded, because he did know. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get anything out of Eddie. But as weird as things were at the moment, Eddie had at least made an effort. “But you're trying. There's something to be said for that right?”

“Not trying wasn't an option.” Eddie admitted, sitting back with a sigh. “At least not how I was trying before. The way I thought I was trying to be there for you wasn't really helping you, it was more so for making myself feel better.”

“You know it wasn't all you right? That me going into the hospital and the stuff before, wasn't just because things were off between us.” Buck told him, wanting to make the other man feel better because what he said was true. It wasn't all Eddie's fault or Maddie's or anyone else. It was the combination of everyone in his life and a lot of unresolved issues from his past. So the blame didn't lie with just Eddie. “I've been off for a lot longer than I thought. And I just got really bad at not letting it get to me.”

“Are you ok now?” Eddie looked at him straight on. “I never really asked you that these past few weeks.”

“I'm better.” Buck replied, leaning against the counter. The memory of these past few weeks and particularly tonight had made him a little uneasy but he wasn't the same person he was before. He wasn't at his strongest but he wasn't at his weakest anymore. “Not great but better than I have been in a long time.”

“That's good.” Eddie nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. “I was worried.”

“Really?”

“Of course I was.” Eddie looked at him again. “You're my best friend. I don't care how shitty things get between us, I will always worry about you.”

“I guess you proved that by storming into the hospital to see me.” Buck had to fight a smirk as Eddie's face went slightly red in embarrassment. It was nice to be able to tease his friend the way he use to. “I appreciated the effort and dramatics....”

“Yea kind of regretting my actions now.” Eddie grimaced.

“I just wasn't ready to be ambushed at that time.” Buck explained, crossing his arms. “You get that right.”

“I do now.” Eddie traced his fingers across the island before getting up and walking close enough to Buck that he could have reached out to touch him but he didn't. “I was just desperate to talk to you. It felt like if I didn't then it would be too late.”

“I get why you felt like that, but I went to the hospital because it almost was too late. If anything, by the time you tried to see me, it should have been clear that time was on our side again.” Buck tried to explain, feeling his face crease into a frown. He understood where Eddie was coming from, he really did. But he would be lying if he said he wasn't still harboring resentment towards Eddie for forcing a meeting he wasn't ready for. “So while it make sense, it still doesn't take away that I hated it and wished it had waited until I was out of the hospital. It just made me feel like you didn't know me at all and things were more broken between us than they ever were.”

“Do you ever see us fixing things?” Eddie asked hesitantly, almost like he was afraid of the answer and wanted nothing more than to run out the door, but he didn't. He stayed right in front of Buck, looking just as uncomfortable as he did when he first walked in, fists clenched at his side and a deep frown on his face.

“I do. But right now, you need to respect that this needs to be about me.” Buck said, crossing his arms as he looked at his former best friend, a part of him still wanting to reach out and comfort the other man. But he kept himself at a distance, knowing it was what he needed. “ I tried to make things right with you at the expense of my own mental health, I won't do that again. I'm trying something different. I'm putting myself first, no matter how exhausting that may make me to you.”

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.” Eddie's expression darkened at the memory of that day in the grocery store. It said a lot that Eddie had the wherewithal to look ashamed when he had his behavior put in front of him. “I said it because I knew it would hurt you and I just wanted...”  
  
“To get some of the hurt out of you? Yea, that I get.” Buck did get it. He may not have done it himself, but he could see why some people would. “But I'm not going to just take that kind of stuff anymore. If you're serious...”

“I am.” Eddie insisted, standing up straight and looking far more serious than Buck had ever seen him.

“And if you want to actually fix things between us for good, than things can't be how they were before. We have to talk about the stuff that goes wrong. It took me a while to be able to do it but I'm willing to keep trying if you want to.” Buck let it all out in one breath but he felt better for it after it had passed his lips. The whole problem was keeping too much inside, it got wrapped up in everything else that was wrong and made it more difficult to figure out which way was up. At least if he tried to sort things with Eddie, than maybe the other stuff would come easier. He glanced at the other man and offered a smile. “I want us to be friends again. It's like you said a few weeks ago, it will take time but we will get there. Do you still stand by that?”

“Damn right I do.” Eddie smiled back and for the first time in the past few hours, Buck had the feeling that things might just be getting a little bit simpler in his life. 

Maybe.

{**}-{**}

“Ok what's going on?” Chim's voice jolted Maddie out of her head where she had been lost in thought and looked across the table to see her boyfriend looking concerned, the remains of his dinner pushed aside while her plate was still fairly full. She wondered just how long she had been stuck in her own head and judging by the state of theirs plates and the look on his face, it had been a while. “Are you ok? Is it Buck? You've been off since you got back this afternoon.”

“No it's not Buck.” Maddie shook her head, sitting back on her seat and reached for her water. The glass shook slightly when she set it back down and she knew Chim had to have noticed, so there was no point in trying to hide it. Especially when he already knew something was wrong. She should have realized that it wouldn't have gone unnoticed for too long; she wasn't good at hiding things that were bothering her around Chim and he was too good at noticing when things were off with her. She looked at him, trying to smile. “At least not directly.”

“So what is it?” Chim's forehead wrinkled as it always did when he was thinking hard about something. 

“My mother called this afternoon.” She let out in a rush, thinking back a few hours to when the phone had rung and she picked up not realizing the can of worms it had the potential of opening. “It kind of threw me off. She hasn't called in years.”

“That's a good thing.” Chim said with a smile, sitting up in relief clearly not seeing what the problem but the easy expression quickly went away when she failed to display the same response that he had shown. “That's not a good thing?”

“No it's not.” She shook her head, sighing heavily to herself. “I haven't spoken to my parents in about 10 years, same with Buck. When he left home at 18, that was the last time he and I had contact with them.”

“10 years? Wow.” Chim seemed stunned at her admission, his hand fiddling with the fork near his water glass. “I didn't realize it had been that long. I mean you never...”

“I know. I never really gave you the full story about my parents.” Maddie's lips pressed together tightly. She hated this. She had spent the better part of the last decade trying to put her parents behind her and now just when things were starting to look up for both her and Buck, they had to come back in to the picture. If they were in front of her right now, she would be screaming at them for sure. “When I told you they weren't good parents, I was purposely being vague.”

“I kind of figured that.” He said with a laugh, reach over to take her hand, a gentle look in his eyes. “So what is the truth?”

“That's the thing, I can't tell you.” She hated that statement as soon as she said it but it had to come out.

“You can tell me anything.” Chim looked confused, as he rightly should be. They usually talked about anything and everything, nothing had been off limits. Except now when it came to her and Buck's childhood.

“I know. And believe me, I want to tell you.” She squeezed his hand back. “But it's more so Buck's story to tell than mine. And if he hasn't said anything, then I don't want to step on any toes by telling you his secrets. Especially after these past few weeks.”

“Ok that doesn't sound very good. So I can only imagine what that involves.” Chim's fingers tightened over hers. She could see by the look in his eyes that he was already trying to guess their backstory and as much as she wanted to just tell him, she knew she couldn't. Because even though she had been witness to some of it, the majority of that trauma belonged to Buck and if he wasn't ready for any of them to know, then she couldn't betray his trust by telling Chim, no matter how badly she wanted to let it out. Chim cleared his throat. “Ok, so you can't tell me exactly what is going on but it is bad that your mother made contact. So maybe you can just talk about it without giving away Buck's past.”

“Ok well like I said, it was the first time I had spoken to either of them in a decade and we hadn't had contact because I just couldn't have that in my life. They're not good people.” Maddie's mind drifted to Buck, hoping beyond hope that their mother hadn't called him or worse, that their father had been the one to reach out. She would have to call Buck and ask him. “So I don't understand why they are calling now.”

“Maybe they wanted to fix things.” Chim suggested with a shrug.

“After ten years? I doubt it.” Maddie scoffed, the idea of either of her parents trying to make up for the past was laughable. “That's not their thing.”

“Maybe they evolved. People do that sometimes.” He pointed out but his face showed he didn't really believe what he was saying. “Maybe it just took them a while to track you guys down.”

“Honey it's 2020. There are hundreds of websites that can provide people's information if you provide a credit card number. It's not that hard to find anyone anymore.” Maddie told him, trying not to show how unnerved she felt in the moment. “And it's not like Buck or I were hiding or trying to stay off grid. We are out there living our lives and they never tried to contact us.”

“Yea, that is strange.” Chim agreed, sitting back in his chair with a frown. “So I guess it's back to the original question. Why now?”

“I don't know. I mean, they didn't call when everything went down with Doug, not that they would since they always hated him. They didn't make contact when Buck was injured or when he had the embolism. During the tsunami, there was nothing. We're having a baby, nothing. Buck goes into the hospital and is released and still nothing. Big events happened and they are no where to be found. If they cared at all, they could have been keeping up with our lives and reached out. But they didn't, they have no interest. So why are they trying now out of the blue?”

“The timing is suspicious.” Chim frowned again, his eyes showing that he was thinking hard again. “Maybe you need to talk to Buck. Maybe he has a guess.”

“Yea maybe.” Maddie's thoughts turned to her brother, knowing they would have to have this difficult conversation even if she would have rather they just put it off forever. But the phone call made that impossible. For whatever reason her mother was calling, there was just as much of a possibility that she and their father were making contact with Buck as well and she had to talk to him about it before it took him by surprise and set him back in his recovery. She hadn't been there for her brother as much as she should have, both recently and during their childhood and that had to change. Whatever reason their parents were trying to contact them, she would do anything she could to minimize the damage they would try to do to Buck. They had always disliked having them both, but Buck seemed to really bear the brunt of their hatred for some reason and no doubt they would do it again if given half a chance. Maddie would step up more this time and if she had to stand in between her brother and their parents, then that is what she would do. 

{**}-{**}

“Mom called me.”

“Dad called me.”  
  
“Wait what?” Maddie's eyes went wide the second the words left his mouth as he sat down on the couch and propped his phone up so he could see the screen better. He didn't think when he picked up the FaceTime call from his sister that he would just blurt it out like that but it seemed like his mouth had other ideas. And apparently so did Maddie's. He wasn't really shocked to her her admission. He had time to sit on it and figured that if his father had contacted him,t hen there was a good chance that their mother had contacted Maddie. It was exactly something they would do, go after both kids at the same time. Maddie didn't look shocked as much as she did worried, which was exactly the expression he thought would be on her face when they had this conversation. Maddie ran her hand through her hair before asking. “When did he call you?”

“Tonight.” He replied, pulling his legs up under him as he spoke trying to get comfortable. “Right before Eddie came over.”

“Wait, Eddie came over?” Maddie's face almost did a double take and it took everything in him to not laugh at how quickly she was distracted by his reply. “Tonight? What the hell...”

“Mads it was fine. We talked and we needed to talk.” Buck hurriedly assured her. He knew she worried about him but this was not something she had to waste time getting upset about. He and Eddie had been long over for a conversation and as uncomfortable as it had been, Buck was glad to have had it. If there was one thing Buck took away from his time in the hospital, it was that getting things off his chest was better in the long run then keeping it trapped inside himself. “I think we will be ok but that's not what we need to be talking about. When did mom call you?”

“Today, after I left your place.” Maddie looked over her shoulder, probably to make sure she was still alone. “I had just gotten home when my phone rang. It was her.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“No. Did you talk to dad?”

“No.”

“I haven't talk to either of them in years.” Maddie said, pressing her lips together, her expression dark. “I don't know why they would be calling now.”

“Yea me either.” Buck sighed, running his hand down his face. “I got the hell out of there at 18 and I never looked back.”

“That's what I told Chim, he knew something was bugging me so I told him about the call.” Maddie said, looking off to the side as her fingers tapped on the table in front of her. “I didn't tell him about our childhood, or at least not from your perspective. I figured that wasn't my place to say anything.”

“I appreciate that.” Buck sent her a grateful smile. It's not that he didn't want anyone to know about what had happened to him. But he had spent so many years not talking about it that it just seemed pointless to bring it up now and that was not a conversation he wanted to have when things were so fragile with everyone around him. If he could put it off for a big longer, then he was going to. “I'll tell them all one day, but unless they need to know, I would rather just keep it between us for now.”

“I understand.” Maddie nodded, returning a small smile of her own. “Chim kind of knows its not anything good but he doesn't know specifics. Just enough hints to understand why our parents making contact is not a good thing.”

“It just doesn't make any sense.” Buck told her, running his hand across the back of the couch where a blanket had been tossed since before his stay at the hospital, the movement helping to calm his nerves. He looked back at the screen. “Why now? Why reach out now after 10 years?”

“That's exactly what Chim and I were talking about.” His sister said, her forehead wrinkled in a slight frown. “We know its not because they couldn't find us. It's because they didn't want to bother with contact.”

“Until now apparently.” He muttered, darkly. “So much shit has happened to both of us in the past few years. And where were they? Not here. Not trying to establish any kind of contact.”

“I know. If all the traumatic stuff didn't make them want to reach out, then what is so different now?” Maddie asked, more to herself then to him. “Not that it would make a difference if they had tried earlier then this. There is no making up for what they did. To you. And they know that.”

“I just can't figure it out.” Buck admitted turning his head to look out the window. In the past few hours he had tried desperately to figure out why his father would call him out of the blue and now why his mother would call Maddie after so long. They didn't care about them when they were kids. They had proven they had no interest in being here for them when they suffered as adults. So why? “I can't help but feel suspicious.”

“Me too.” The frown was deepening on his sister's face. “I don't trust them to be calling for just a random check in on our lives. There's got to be something else going on.”

“What do they want?” Buck questioned, running a dozen different scenarios through his head.

“I don't know. But whatever it is. It's not anything good.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to follow me on tumblr, my profile is thegreatgherkin87


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